Rants Category

When Brett Kavanaugh is (almost certainly) granted his spot on the bench of the highest court in the land this Saturday, it will represent yet another un-probed depth of the American political system – one level below the last false bottom that we assured ourselves was the floor. Whether you believe the words of Judge Kavanaugh, Dr. Blasey-Ford, both, or neither, we can all agree that the events of the last week have been an ugly reminder about the political climate in which we live in 2018. Even leaving asideRead More

This article contains spoilers of Alien: Covenant, Prometheus, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No amount of plugging your ears and “la la la” will save you. Picture it: America, 2008. The country shook from an unprecedented event that rocks us to this very day. I’m speaking, of course, about the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Obama who? Stay focused.) It was one of the first nostalgia wet dreams of movie fandom, the revival of a long ago and muchRead More

 Surgeon General: Turn Signals Added To List of Cancer Culprits  The ever-increasing list of activities, behaviors, and objects linked to cancer, which includes, but is not limited to, cell phones, white bread, wheat bread, rye bread, pumpernickel bread, pumpernickel yeast; plastic bags, plastic toilet handles, plastic silverware dividers; cats, dogs, parakeets, cockatoos, tortoises, hamsters; carpet, hardwood, cement foundations, and sleeping on sheets with between zero and 25 million threads, has added a new member for the first time in over two hours: your turn signals. After spearheading the multi-trillion-dollar researchRead More

Recently, I cut off my medium length blonde hair to an overgrown pixie. It’s short enough where hair ties mean nothing to me anymore, but long enough where you can’t quite see my skull yet. This wasn’t some radical act I did in light of a breakup or in protest for veganism, gender identity, or Bernie Sanders, or anything. I just didn’t like my hair. And it turned out great! It’s the shortest I’ve ever had it and I absolutely love it. It’s fun to wake up every morning andRead More

I read this article recently about some CEO lady who basically went on a rant on why Hillary Clinton, and well, women in general were not MEANT to be President. Their biological physiology does not align well with the job because you know…those damn hormones. Oh and also the Bible says so. Yeah, I know, I couldn’t find the verse either. As women, we can run households, schools, hospitals, entire corporations even, but we CANNOT and SHOULD NOT run the country (or apparently a church, for that matter…), because whoRead More

I close my eyes and images appear in my mind. They’re ones I haven’t conjured up. They’re immediate and ugly and ferocious — a dismembered arm, a spider crawling outwards from an eye with its silky, black legs, and a red hourglass on its belly. I can’t sleep. Sometimes I wish I was a hamster. Hamsters are nocturnal, after all, and this sleeplessness at night would then be acceptable. I take a deep breath. (The kind that cracks your spine in a few places at once, but doesn’t calm youRead More

Work sucks. I think I’ve mentioned this at least six times before, but it just really sucks. As part of my intense dislike for the job, I’ve decided to dish the beans and spill the dirt on the secrets I’ve learned– and used myself– since starting my minimum wage job. 1. Sometimes when we say the coffee’s fresh, and we say, “There’s a fresh pot in the back” it just means we’re going to microwave the coffee. It’s probably one of the most common lies we tell. There are peopleRead More

Okay, I will never be the first person to say that getting a job when you’re allowed to is a bad thing, but I’ll also never be the person to say that getting a job is full of sunshine and rainbows and that it restores your faith in humanity, because it doesn’t– that’s a lie perpetuated by movies and TV and the occasional blogger. Nevertheless, I still have a job, for, y’know, college. To celebrate almost a full year in this particular job– whose nickname rhymes with Rickey Lee’s– I’veRead More

The thing about Tacos de Huicho, the most kickass taco place in town and probably the world, is that though they have kickass tacos they also have a not so kickass restroom setup. It’s not as bad as the one in my favorite Starbucks. The one that has the automatic light that seems to always turn off right in the middle of doing your thing. The one that seems to give up on you the way your high school English teacher did during your junior year. But it does onlyRead More

Dear Shitty Parents, I know this is not a polite way to start off a letter, but who the fuck do you think you are?  There is not enough coffee in the world to protect me from your OC superiority complex.  I know I smile a lot.  And yes, I’m pretty damn good at making the Children’s Department look like Disneyland.  However, I did not think it was endearing that you referred to me as a “super nanny.”  I am a stressed out twenty-something trying to make some money whileRead More

Rarely would I scroll to the bottom of an article to observe the mindless debauchery that occurs in the comment section. That is, until it was my own. Not too long ago, Thought Catalog published one of my articles, one that received several unwarranted and irrelevant comments. My initial shock wore off almost immediately, as I found them more comical than offensive. Kind of like watching an episode of Southpark, it’s so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh. My personal favorite came from a commenter who identified himself asRead More

So, I live in Atlanta and if you don’t know, the weather here is a fucking joke. As in, “Today will be a low of 30 degrees and a high of 75.” That’s not even an exaggeration, that was the weather report two days ago. Which means I start off many a morning like, “WTF am I supposed to wear? Do I dress for winter or summer? Hellllpppp!!!” Unfortunately I’m not in elementary school and can’t just ask my mom what I should wear. Thankfully, my friend told me aboutRead More

1. Putting out those “Leave your S.O. for me, he/she can’t love you like I can” songs. My bae, God’s voice bestowed upon us in human earthly form, Sam Smith has this song called “Leave Your Lover,” which is exactly what it sounds like. Like bruhhhh, why does this trope exist? Of course her man can’t love her like you can, but maybe that’s why she chose to be with him over you? You think you can love her “more,” that’s debatable, but more is not necessarily better. You can putRead More

If you were to Google the burgeoning metropolis of Bakersfield, California you would find it is known for many things. Aside from carrots and Buck Owens, Bakersfield has made quite a name for itself as having the worst air quality, the most illiterate citizens, and the place where lost phone calls (and hopes and dreams) go to die, due to terrible cellphone reception. Either Forbes just hates Bakersfield or it really is a barren wasteland pretending to be a functioning society. But for me, Bakersfield has always just been home.Read More

Remember those rules we learned in grade school and if you chose to disobey you had to pull a card or go to detention or lose points/gold stars? That was a big deal at the time and engraved into our brains that I don’t think we could forget them even if we tried. But apparently, it’s come to my attention recently that everyone has grown up and forgotten these basic yet, SUPER IMPORTANT rules. So please let me refresh your childhood memories.     1. Always wash your hands afterRead More