All posts by Mike Burleson
“Merry Christmas!” “Happy Christmas!” “Happy Hanukkah!” “Happy Kwanzaa!” “Happy Holidays!” “Festive Pagan Solstice!” Whichever greeting you prefer this time of year, odds are, someone will be unreasonably butthurt by it. “How dare you have a different upbringing from mine…” they’ll scoff, while lumping you in with the real terrorists, with their filthy, minimalist, “war on Christmas” Starbucks cups. Damn heathens… But no matter what their self-righteous, butthurt poison, we can all agree on one thing: our friends, families, co-workers, mechanics, pets, dentists, and Jimmy John’s delivery guys have disappointed usRead More
Surgeon General: Turn Signals Added To List of Cancer Culprits The ever-increasing list of activities, behaviors, and objects linked to cancer, which includes, but is not limited to, cell phones, white bread, wheat bread, rye bread, pumpernickel bread, pumpernickel yeast; plastic bags, plastic toilet handles, plastic silverware dividers; cats, dogs, parakeets, cockatoos, tortoises, hamsters; carpet, hardwood, cement foundations, and sleeping on sheets with between zero and 25 million threads, has added a new member for the first time in over two hours: your turn signals. After spearheading the multi-trillion-dollar researchRead More
T-minus negative two days ‘til the start of the greatest sporting event in the entire universe! An estimated 10 million viewers in the U.S. alone made the opening matches of the tournament among the largest-watched spectacles across the globe. And sadly, these numbers paled in comparison to Game 1 of the NBA Finals… Priorities, America. I am of course referring to the World Cup. Maybe you’ve heard of it. I will go ahead and assume the majority of the viewership for the NBA Finals is coming from everyone outside MiamiRead More
In yet another shocking, yet not-at-all-surprising move, our good ol’ pal and perfectly sane Führer, Vladimir Putin, has decided to take his totalitarian deathgrip on the Russian subcontinent one large squeeze further. Mulling it over for a solid couple minutes and passing it to a vote in the Russian Congress, if you can even call it that, made up of Czar Putin I, His Highness Putin, Vlad The Putin, and Vladimir Putin, Putin decided that the whole gay hate thing was simply not enough for him – hatred unless theyRead More
There are few things on this earth that piss me off quite like driving. In general, I am a fairly laid-back kind of guy, save for the obvious hot-button issues. However, behind the wheel, I Hulk out. Every time. Ripped purple pants, the whole shebang; my T-shirt budget is enormous. It baffles me that normally halfway-intelligent people can instantly morph into completely bewildered, oblivious, and even pompous dumbfucks the second a one-ton steel killing machine comes into the picture – you know, the perfect time to not be a completeRead More
Not a fan of chicks with ink? Well if these saucy lasses don’t change your mind, nothing will. Heads up: private browsing might be a good idea for any further, uh, research… Christina Perri Songbird stunner. El Wood English glamour model with a fitting last name. Christy Mack Go Incognito on this one. Really. Lass Suicide A Scottish accent never sounded so good. Valerie “Lights” Poxleitner Mrs. Poxleitner makes shitty electropop. Luckily this Canuck doesn’t look nearly as awful as her music sounds. Just turn off the sound and you’reRead More
This just in: rubbing one out no longer has to be a private (giggity) and shameful affair. Gone are the days of smashing the nearest pillow into your lap when your roommate, or God forbid, your mother, walks in while you are having a moment with yourself. No more awkwardly blushing and trying to change the subject while utterly failing to make it appear as though you aren’t a sicko that actually does it – although it is extremely rare that I meet a man that doesn’t enjoy talking aboutRead More
“Hey, alright! I finally feel like a man!” “But, oh my god, you look sooo dirty!” Regardless of your personal feelings on the situation, facial hair is here to stay – at least for a couple months until perms claw their way back to the top. It’s gonna happen. The facial hair transplant business is a-boomin’, too. Yeah, you read that right. In case you have not heard, follicly-impaired men across the country are now shelling out anywhere from $5,000 to $15,000 to graft from their scalps to their facesRead More
Oh god, I done did it again… One too many crantinis and this girl became an absolute trainwreck – complete with tear-smeared mascara and thirteen “prof pic!” updates in the space of 45 minutes, all iced with a nice Technicolor yawn and a porcelain pillow at the end of the night. What was I thinking??? I kid, I kid. So it wasn’t quite that kind of night, sorry to disappoint, but I did manage to find another perfectly neat, and much less “I’m-going-to-feel-like-a-complete-dumbass-in-the-morning-once-I-have-slept-off-this-jackhammer-being-taken-to-my-temple,” way to destroy myself on a SaturdayRead More
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