Good Day Silver Can,
You’re probably feeling uncomfortable. I’m sure you’ve heard it on the streets, near the locker room, even outside that little theater in your neighborhood. So I’m going to say it to you, right here, directly, with no # or @… I love you.
Sure, you hear it all the time! Maybe some of your friends (caffeine-free DC) even think it’s going to your head (re: your latest ad campaign), but do the others really mean it? Do they sing your praises day in, day out, against all “carcinogenic” and bloated adversity? I’ll bet they talk about you behind you back. “Oh I only drink it sometimes.”
Pish-posh I say!
Who is ashamed? Not I!
And why, you ask?
Who is there at 3PM when I want to set fire to all email services? Diet Coke.
Who is there when I wake up at 7AM hungover out of my mind? Diet Coke.
Who has brought be closer together with my mother (and all women in my family)? Diet Coke.
Has anyone ever loved me so unconditionally?
And so here, I write to you, loud and proud. I’ll stand beside, in front of, behind, across from, hand in hand… really any angle with you until the day I die.
When others shout, “It’s killing you!”
I will respond, “So is your phone!”
When co-workers say, “You’ve had enough!”
I will open another can!
When waiters explain, “We have Pepsi!”
I will find a better restaurant!
When my mother says “We’re out!”
I will go to the store! No matter what it takes! Whether it be paying more for delivery or taking my drunk ass by Uber, I will always find a way to you, because I have standards in my life. As do you.
Unlike the rest of you who don’t know how to get through your day, I have a reason to live! When I wake up in the morning, I know greatness is waiting for me.
It’s everything in between!
Do those french fries taste right?
I could use a Diet Coke.
How’s that popcorn?
What’s the point without a DC?
What’s your life like, in general?
My life is Diet Coke, so it’s great.
And how bout those other sodas? Trying to hide themselves with Splenda and 32 flavors. Not Diet Coke! You know who you are! You don’t try to hide your desire. You’re addictive and you embrace it!
And so do I. So bring it on world, tell me I’m crazy, that I’m killing myself, that I don’t know how to listen. I know who I am. And I am Diet Coke.
Your Closest Companion