Posted On July 17, 2014 By In Lifestyle, Manzone

5 Places Hair Shouldn’t Grow


Twelve years later, I still remember sitting in my junior high locker room pondering why most of my friends and other classmates had hairy armpits and I stayed looking like a naked mole rat. I wanted that rite of passage – just like Pinocchio, I wanted to be a real boy! I yearned for a legitimate reason to cover myself in pesticide scented Axe body spray. I wanted body hair. I craved it.  Then it came. Armpit hair, YES! Hell yeah, I am now a man. Pubes too? Sweet, I’ll take them! Slowly this turned into a few dark hairs scattered across my pec-less upper body. A few years later and I would grow to regret all hopes and wishes of body hair. Fast-forward to today and you’re looking at the runner up for Teen Wolf. Okay, it’s not that bad, but I definitely have enough hair to share with anyone who is suffering from Alopecia. Don’t think I am complaining. My anger in hair growth isn’t unreasonable. It’s not the dense forest covering my legs or even the furry vest plastered to my chest that bothers me, it’s far worse than that. I am talking about the places that don’t make logical or even physiological sense for hair to grow. It is these strange hair follicle locations that have me questioning the body. Five of them in particular stick out to me.

They are as follows.


1. Your Butt


I can just imagine the smell.

Seriously, why? Why the hell do I need hair on my ass crack? So when I am sweating it’s even more uncomfortable? Oh no, I get it. It’s to hold old poop particles after you wipe, right? Well shit, that sounds real important. Thanks for making that a thing, scumbag body.

2. Your Back


It’s almost like someone snapped his head 180 degrees and that’s really his chest.

“AWESOME! Finally my back hair aggressively sprouted!” – Nobody ever. You’d think that evolution would have picked up on the fact that some homeys invented clothing a few thousand years ago, and now my back is rarely, if ever, cold. Even if my back was cold, I’d rather be slightly chilly than the monster scaring children away at the beach.


3. Your Ears


For some reason, I don’t see this being trendy anytime soon.

What? Huh? What did you say? Oh sorry, if you didn’t notice I have a permanent wig living inside both of my ears. When it’s cold outside you usually just wear ear warmers, you don’t grow them. Plus it’s not like having hair grow in there would keep anything out. If anything, an insect would snuggle in there even more comfortably. Just imagine trying to pull a bug out of your ear after it has cuddled up deep inside your hair infested ear. Gross.


4. Your Nose


The Nosestache combo. A classic.


Mmm! Do you smell that delicious pie grandma just made? No. No, you don’t. You don’t smell shit. Ever. Why is that? Maybe it’s due to the fact that your nose has dreads protruding from the nostrils. Not only is it gross to look at, but it doesn’t help your sense of smell unless you like smelling rotten boogers and dirty hair that has never been shampooed.


5. Your Belly Button


It’s a black hole in there. Who knows what it could swallow.

Why the hell would the belly button be last? That isn’t too awful sounding. You’re right, it doesn’t sound awful, but it is. I literally have hairs growing out of my belly button and that never made any sense to me. So seeing as that freaked me out, I just ignored my belly button hygiene for multiple years. The next time me and my BB reunited was due to my girlfriend DIGGING THIS SHIT OUT OF IT!


Save yourself some vomit and DO NOT Google image or YouTube “Umbolith Stone”.

That’s the shit that happens when you can’t clean your belly button regularly thanks to the fur developing inside of it. It is absolutely horrifying. Make sure to write your congressman and senator in order to bring this strange hair placement to an end. It’s 2014 for Pete’s sake.


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Matthew Roberts is no longer a recent UCSB grad, but he still pretends to be. Within the last year he has had plans to move to Brooklyn, Seattle and LA before settling with a comfortable guest room in his parents home. He is a professional daydreamer with hobbies that include drinking craft beer, eating delicious local food and laughing with his boys. He isn’t a tough guy, but he has plenty of tough friends. Follow him on Twitter @shmobshmarley.