Posted On March 24, 2015 By In Advice For Women, Girlzone, Lifestyle

The Best Advice You’ll Ever Receive


I’ve been in low places, like on the floor — in a matching sweat suit that wasn’t mine. While crying and kicking my feet, a teensy bit, like a two year-old in the peak of his tantrum. And the matching sweat suit was gray and didn’t belong to me and was the kind you purchase at Target in the men’s section for $11.99. And it belonged to my decently androgynous roommate who dated a pretty androgynous woman who wore the same kind of underwear. And when they walked by on the floor I couldn’t tell whose legs were whose since neither shaved their legs.

And then I called my newly ex-boyfriend, (who was also a virgin), who I also knew was “the one,” and asked him to please, come over, just one more time, please. And he said,




And that was a period of time that I would have taken advice from most homeless people and my pro-life godmother and the checkout person at Walgreens with a unibrow.

So, I did your research for you and you are welcome. Here is a list compilation of the best advice you’ll ever receive:

1. “Keep your mind and heart open to the vast possibilities of the universe while doing exactly what you have been doing. Live your life with whims and purpose, be inquisitive and hungry for knowledge and experience, and never lose sight of who you are and what makes you tick.”

A wise man once wrote this to me when I asked him how people find those that they want to spend their lives with. He is not my dad, but he is a dad, and he once told me how he washed off his butt crack before his wedding night to his high school sweet heart by straddling a washcloth, so I trust anything  he says.


2. If he’s not texting you back he is either dead, hates your guts, or cannot text you back right that moment.

If he is dead, he will never be able to text you back. (Someone will let you know sooner or later.)

If he hates your guts, you certainly shouldn’t text him again, because, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.

If he can’t text you back right that moment, texting him again will eventually make his upper thigh numb — which is generally an annoying thing.


3. You could die tomorrow (or today).

Morbid, but true. When my brother was very sick his chances of survival became my obsession. Would he die? What if he died? He couldn’t die. He might die. What was the likelihood that cancer would kill him, percentage wise? What was the prognosis? Was he going to die, or not? I needed to know. My best friend turned to me in the midst of this dialogue one day and said, “Dude, I could die tomorrow. ” And it was harsh and kind of rude, but a jolt back to the matter that life is a thing that we have no control over. So you might as well live a life that is lovely and true to you.


4. You’re just gathering information.

You’re conflicted. Should I break up with him? Should I stay? Should I move to this city? Should I not? Should I stay? Should I go? Am I running away? Do I wax my vagina or not?  Your heart bumps yes and you’re mind has nineteen arguments against that and you’re being gets stuck in a limbo that paralyzes you from everything except a constant loop of these thoughts and eating nachos, maybe (if you’re lucky). The truth is, you’re still gathering information! Do that. It’s impossible to make a decision confidently until you’ve finished doing that.


5. Your hips don’t lie and neither does your gut.

There is a tiny little creature that lives in your gut, that’s more of an idea than a physical sensation. It is not a fetus, nor a parasite. It knows someone’s lying before there’s evidence that supports that idea, it knows about the intention of that first bad man. And it knows what you love. Listen to that creature! (It’s not gas).


6. Have nachos once a week.

The fake cheese may not be excellent for the health of your heart, but it is good for your soul.

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Equally lovely and ferocious in nature, Allyson Darling resides in San Francisco. She writes nonfiction essays about sex, relationships, and pantries (and sometimes about having sex in pantries).