Posted On July 13, 2014 By In Advice For Men, Fashion For Men, Manzone

Hey Dudes, No More Long Hair!


First off, let me state that I am no angel. I am exceptionally guilty of sporting the long hair, and have been for numerous years.  It is due to my own experiences that I am here to help all of you stray from the Jesus-length hairstyle. I recently made the switch to a much shorter and more acceptable haircut and I must say, I absolutely love it. I rocked the longer hairdo right after I evolved from the crusted hair gel, spiked, frosted tips fad was out, and never looked back. Sometimes my hair would rest on my shoulders, sometimes right above, but sadly, it was always long enough to be mistaken for a mullet even though my eyeballs were being stabbed from my bangs in the front. Yet, after 10 years of essentially the same Super Cuts haircut I have switched to a more professional looking hairdo. This has been life changing to say the least. Some of you may ask, “What is wrong with rocking the Bieber?” or “How would I look any better sporting the Ellen Degeneres?”

Here are some reasons…


Unless she is bisexual, she doesn’t want to feel like she’s having sex with a girl.


“His hair was longer than mine!”

Imagine the confusion a girl has when in bed and she grabs the guys hair only to feel long, silky locks of hair. This will have her questioning how drunk she really is, if she went home with the wrong gender, or is just in college experimenting. Either way, you’ll be that dude she tells her friends about… Only because it was “like having sex with a girl!”

(One of the more interesting things a girl has said about me).


It’s as simple as saving time and money, and time IS money!


One little squirt should do the trick.

I love going from a handful to a simple dot of shampoo. That’s all it takes when your hair is a convenient length. Plus, there is no need to use conditioner on only an inch of hair unless you have some weird scalp issues, which, if that is the case, that blows and I apologize. Also the speed of your showers and toweling yourself dry will increase exponentially, giving you plenty of time to think about how damn good you look with that fresh cut in the mirror!


Speaking of showers, its clear when you didn’t take one, you greasy ass hippie.


Clay Matthews would have definitely played on the Houston (Hair) Oilers.

With short hair you can go a few days without needing a shower and nobody will tell due to your hair. Yeah, your pits may smell like a rotten cow vagina, but your short hair is not going to sell you out. When you go just a day with longer hair, you’re fucked. There is no lying about not showering; your hair singlehandedly has enough oil and grease soaked into it to drive your green car to a barber shop.


No matter what you think, you aren’t Tim Riggins, Brad Pitt or Ben Dahlhaus.


Even straight men can be envious of Mr. Jesus dude, Riggins and Achilles sweet hair.

A trap most guys fall for is thinking they will look like the chiseled model dudes above with long hair. The fact is, you won’t. No matter what you think, you aren’t going to be them. It would be cool, shit it would be fucking awesome, but the truth and reality are its not going to happen bro. You can cry on my shoulder if this is a realization for you. I am here for you.


You’re too soft to be in a Biker Gang and you’re too young to be a Vietnam Vet.


Yeah.. that’s a dude. It blows my mind too.

Those dudes earned their hairstyles. They went through hell and back, saw awful things and lost friends thus deeming them worthy of having their hair however they fucking please. But you’re a worthless 15-30 year-old man, so shave off that ponytail and get a real fucking haircut. Trust me when I say it doesn’t make you badass. It makes you look like Bruce Jenner, and although he was once an Olympic gold medalist, he is now a sickly-looking old woman. If your hair is even long enough to put in a ponytail you need to reconsider some things in life.


Some shitfaced guy will hit on you/grab your ass from behind at a bar.


You don’t believe me? I promise you it has happened, and just because you question me the next time I see a guy out enjoying a beer with his bros rocking a Russell Brand cut I will go up and smack him in the ass. Plus, you don’t even get a free drink out of it! Just a few awkward interactions and comments follow until you both stumble off thinking “what the fuck just happened?”


You can become exponentially better looking with a simple haircut.


Which hairstyle looks better? Don’t answer that, of course the shorter hair does, you dummy.


The Flying Tomato was just another Carrot Top in my eyes, but the second kickass snowboarding and extreme sport stud Shaun White cut his hair he became some redheaded model. Just imagine how much more GQ you would look with a sweet and stylish haircut instead of pretending to be Blake Anderson or Weird Al Yankovic.



So go out and get your haircut. Try something new and see what happens. Maybe you’ll get the job you previously wanted but were denied for looking like an idiot, maybe you’ll stop being called “J Beebs” by your friends, or maybe you’ll finally get laid.

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Matthew Roberts is no longer a recent UCSB grad, but he still pretends to be. Within the last year he has had plans to move to Brooklyn, Seattle and LA before settling with a comfortable guest room in his parents home. He is a professional daydreamer with hobbies that include drinking craft beer, eating delicious local food and laughing with his boys. He isn’t a tough guy, but he has plenty of tough friends. Follow him on Twitter @shmobshmarley.