Panic: A Monologue.

Eyes open.

Shit.  I’m alive.

What now?

Can’t I just lay here until I die?  I wish I could do that.  Maybe I could do that?

What should I do?  I’m hungry.  Lie back down?

Wait.

Dog.  Piss.  Let’s go asshole.

Unsteady legs underneath me towards the front door.

The first shot shoots up my neck.

The coldness of the fear envelopes my world.

Not again.

Wish I was a dog.  Tail fucking wagging.  He isn’t scared.

You’re stupid.  Relax. Breathe.

Neighbor door opens.  Not going out there.  Wait dog.  Shhhhhh.

Coast is clear.  Still can’t get comfortable.

Open door.  Slowly.

Shit.  Do I look okay?

It will only take a minute.

Asshole dog better not fuck around.

Why can’t I do this?

Fuck it.  Through the door.  Down the stairs.

Walk.  Walk faster.

Come on dog!

No.  Not going that way.  This way.  Around back.

No one is usually back there.

Come on dog!

Looking around looking around.  I can’t see.  World is blurry.  Heart starts beating fast.

Dizzy.

Did I just blackout?

Come on dog!

I’m shaking.  I wonder if someone can see me shake?  From their window.

No.  Stop.

Can’t breathe.  They’ll know.

Stop!

Come on dog!

Fuck!  Finally.  Let’s go.  Back to the front.

Right now.  Almost done.  I’ll breathe later.

Can’t see.  Body is on fire.  Walking in a daze.

Neighbor.  Fuck.  Don’t talk.  No eye contact.

What do you want?  Blah blah blah.

I can’t see straight.  Fake smile.  Shaking.  Stuttering.

Inside.  Screaming catastrophic pain.

Make it stop.  Yep.  Uh huh.  Nope he bites bye.

He knows.

Anyone notice if I ran?

Gotta go.

Totally delirium.  Just kill me.  This is bullshit.  I can’t go on.

Up the stairs.

Come on dog!

Fuck.  Keys.  Where are my keys?!  Other pocket.  Fuck.

Jiggles.

Another person coming this way.  I can feel it.

I can feel their eyes stabbing the back of my head.  Come on!

Key slides in.  Knob now.  Inside now.

Come on dog!

Door closed.  Both locks locked.

Relief.

Safety.

Alone.

Close the windows.  They can see me.  To the window.

The outside world.

Separate.  Different.  Scary.  Suffocating.

Hand on glass.

Feel the coldness of the outside world.

Crisp.

Cold.

Death.

Never again.

Tags : anxiety, anxiety disorder, mental illness, Miscellaneous, pain, panic, Panic attack, panic disorder, scared, scary, xanax