Posted On July 18, 2014 By In Buzzworthy, The Scene

Discovery Channel’s Alternative Shark Week Options


With a little more than three weeks before the 27th season premiere of Shark Week begins, the hype is already boiling. Whether you’re horrified, fascinated, or have an impartial view of sharks, the odds are you have seen a few episodes. Starting in 1987 in order to raise awareness of sharks as well as bring in new viewers, Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is surprisingly the longest-running cable TV event… EVER.

But what if the week WASN’T dedicated to sharks? What if instead they used some sort of other creature to spike our curiosity? Would it have been as successful and continuous as the Week of Jaws? Who knows? But, life is always more fun when you have an imagination.

So let’s imagine some of the other options Discovery Channel sorted through before settling on the ocean’s greatest predator.


Puppy Week


How could any human being deny these faces?!

This had to be brought up. EVERYBODY loves puppies. Hand a puppy to tiny children and they squeal with joy. Hand a puppy to a handle-bar mustached convict, and they too will squeal with joy. So why not an entire week dedicated to these furballs? I guess the Puppy Bowl will serve as our consolation prize.

Bear Week


“Hey! You should make a show about my people. We are friendly, I promise!”

If a Great white shark is the most fearsome predator in the ocean, you could make the argument that a Grizzly bear is the forest equivalent. With heights that can reach 10ft standing and weights up to 1,500 lbs a Grizzly bear is nothing to mess with, ask Timothy Treadwell (RIP) if you don’t believe me.

Cat Week


Sadly, I’d probably risk being torn apart and gutted to cuddle with those two beasts.

Now this had to be second place, and I am surprised it didn’t actually win. Lions, Tigers, Panthers, Jaguars, Leopards, Cheetahs, Cougars and asshole house cats. Dangerous, mystic, fierce, beautiful, sneaky and strangely playful, cats would have had plenty of material for a week’s worth of episodes. Plus, all the crazy cat women out there could lock themselves up in their feline piss fragranced apartments for the entire week, which, we can all agree would be better for society.

Bald Eagle Week


I’m sure most of the South has a poster of this somewhere in their mobile homes.

America, FUCK YEAH! This one would definitely run during the first week of July, in order to have a special July 4th episode every year. Who doesn’t want to watch countless hours of Freedom Birds diving from the sky and smashing into small animals before shredding them with their talons and beaks? That would get every redneck and true patriot hard.

Panda Week


See. They don’t give a shit. EVER.

Put your hands in the air for these endangered species that don’t even care they are endangered! They still just chill and eat bamboo all day. Why you may ask? Well just like the Honey Badger, they simply don’t give a shit.

(Yes I know the Panda is a kind of bear, but they deserve their own week due to being so awesome.)

Sloth Week


I promise you that’s not an Ewok. He does look pretty gangsta though, doesn’t he?

This would have been hilarious. This entire week would serve as a social commentary experiment. Viewers would talk shit on the sad, pathetic and worthless life of the sloth. All while the spectators lay sprawled out on their couch shoving potato chips down their throats and chasing it with Diet Coke.

Ostrich Week


I could watch these silly birds prance around like ballerinas for more than a week.

What a bizarre looking creature the ostrich is. Not only are they extremely old and related to dinosaurs, but they are also pretty damn stupid. This would make for an educational yet hilarious week full of dumb looking birds running around and pecking things.

Alligator/Crocodile Week


Look at all those man-eaters in one place! Unreal!

I don’t know the difference between those two creatures and I am completely fine with that. When someone does know the distinction, I look at them thinking, “who cares, dickhead”. Anyhow, an entire series on a dangerous amphibious animal would be nothing short of awesome. I promise it would feature just as many gory attack stories and just as many sweet slow motion feeding shots, guaranteeing its success. Instead, all we have to resort to is watching them get blasted in the brain with guns by inbreds on Swamp People.

Beatles Week


I think their fan base alone would have produced enough viewers to be deemed a success.

Surprisingly there isn’t an entire week dedicated to them. Though this may be the wrong channel for the series, it would have definitely been a hit for people of all ages.

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Matthew Roberts is no longer a recent UCSB grad, but he still pretends to be. Within the last year he has had plans to move to Brooklyn, Seattle and LA before settling with a comfortable guest room in his parents home. He is a professional daydreamer with hobbies that include drinking craft beer, eating delicious local food and laughing with his boys. He isn’t a tough guy, but he has plenty of tough friends. Follow him on Twitter @shmobshmarley.