Sometime after Halloween, when the radio started drowning in Christmas music and Starbucks reintroduced their eggnog latte, a ball of dread started to grow in my gut. And it continues to grow as big as the mall Santa’s beer belly until I will be faced with the very event that inspires this trepidation: Thanksgiving dinner. Where relatives abound and the most burning hunger is not for turkey, but for details of my personal life. I am thankful for the wine that will help me survive their predictable questions. It might go something like this…
Are you dating anyone?
Yes, I am currently dating a high school teacher who is 13 years older, taught at my same high school, and had my younger brother as a student. We met on Okcupid, like normal people do and frankly, I think I’m winning considering other cousins who are dating interracially. (We all know our family is more racist than ageist.) I already asked my dad what he thought and he said, “It’s like dating a pygmy. You can’t bring him around to holiday parties and meet the relatives and expect everybody to be accepting.” Oh look, is that an underage cousin drinking? I think that might be your daughter!
How’s your job going?
The one I quit? Well, it’s no longer going. It’s gone. So now I’m in the same situation as I was the last time we had a family party. My wine glass is getting a little low, but I’m really looking forward to the tag team career advice attack from you and my mother later this evening. Your dual role tactics really do belong on a sports team.
So what are your career plans?
I’m so glad you asked! I know it’s a little ambitious, but I think it would really spice up my resume. This opportunity is a positive life experience that acts as a stepping stone for even more advanced responsibilities and it’s exactly where I belong. So I’m just putting the final touches on my sugar baby profile and I should be connecting with some potential sugar daddies very soon! I am so thrilled to finally be headed in the right direction for my dream career, thank you for asking!
How’s living at home?
Are you really asking me that? Come on. It’s wonderful. You know, some people would call an unemployed person who lives with their parents a “loser,” but I find that a little insensitive and harsh. Anyways, I’m actually investigating some live-in girlfriend ads on Craigslist that look really promising. Fingers crossed that I’ll be able to move in by the start of next week! We’ll have you over for dinner sometime.
Oh, your hair. It’s different.
Yes, I got a hair cut. I noticed you didn’t compliment it. I just want you to know it didn’t always look like this. It stopped looking good 2 days after the salon, when I washed it. I just need you to understand that there was a point in time when it looked really great.
Would you like to say grace?