Problems Tag

I close my eyes and images appear in my mind. They’re ones I haven’t conjured up. They’re immediate and ugly and ferocious — a dismembered arm, a spider crawling outwards from an eye with its silky, black legs, and a red hourglass on its belly. I can’t sleep. Sometimes I wish I was a hamster. Hamsters are nocturnal, after all, and this sleeplessness at night would then be acceptable. I take a deep breath. (The kind that cracks your spine in a few places at once, but doesn’t calm youRead More

Sidenote: If somebody out there is handing out jobs or free cash, hook ya girl up 1. You browsed the Craigslist “ETC” category in desperation, and now are signed up for 6 “market research studies,” none of which you’re sure are legit. Oh well, I don’t need my Social Security Number anyway, you can have it. 2. “Broke with Expensive Taste” is your anthem. 3. “I can subsist off of nothing but pasta and lentils until the next time I get paid, right?” You don’t get paid for another twoRead More

I’ve heard many personal accounts from friends who suffer from the frequently talked-about, “Resting Bitch Face.” These friends are sick and tired of people asking them, “What’s wrong?” and telling them they need to smile more. They can’t help that their face invokes fear into every fiber of random onlookers’ being – they were just made that way. And while I can try to sympathize, I can’t say that I really understand what that’s like. Because while they’re trying to stop people from assuming they are habitually pissed off, I’mRead More

Wearing a bra is more exhausting than wearing pants. Yes, they are necessary and eventually become a regular way of life, but you have to realize we go through training for that shit.  And it is both exciting and horribly embarrassing at the same time.  The extreme blush of buying your first bra with your mother, the shy confidence that comes from having your bra strap snapped by the boys at recess–bra training really drains your emotions!  Now I wonder why I was ever excited about training for this perma-seatbeltRead More

1. Your weekend plans in the kitchen with your co-worker whose name you forget, but whose mustache crumbs you always remember. The necessity to construe a wholesome response before 8am because having morning sex and eating ramen twice in bed isn’t an acceptable answer to a person who is supposed to regard you professionally is irritating. And if you decided to make toast instead of cereal on that Friday you must engage further while he makes poor over-coffee talk about how fast weekends go by. And how it’s supposed toRead More

My life is hard, okay? 1. I was starving but there was nothing in my fridge that I actually wanted to eat. 2. I really had to pee but was too lazy to get up. 3. Photoshop caused all the programs I was running to move too fucking slow. 4. They were doing construction for the 17 billionth time on the one road I take to work (seriously, at this point just let it be), making me at least 10 minutes later than I might have been otherwise. 5. TheRead More

I don’t know what time it is.  I refuse to look because it makes being awake worse. I’m caught in this buzzed state, wanting to be quiet, mind and body, wanting to be accepting and still and lie next to you, strewn diagonal amongst the chaos of covers and unsteadily tucked sheets.  I know it has been hours.  I’m too sensitive of time and my perception of it surreptitiously slips in as I wake before alarms. I’m angry.  I’m angry you revealed moments before sleep that you’re looking for jobsRead More

Hello my name is Shannon. Professionals tell me that I suffer from both generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I used to be pretty pissed off about that, until I realized that, “you have a mental illness” is actually code for, “the universe is turning your life into a comedy.” Here’s what that comedy consists of:   Panic Attacks: I like to think the way I gulp air and struggle to breathe while I’m experiencing a panic attack is somehow cute and endearing. In my mind, I look like I’m practicingRead More

1. You can’t go out just the two of you Not because you don’t have fun together, you do. That’s why you’re friends, duh. But if just the two of you go out, you know she will get scooped up by some model/personal trainer within 10 minutes of you arriving to the bar, and then you’re all alone, which is the prime place for you to get a very special rape/homicide combo. Either that, or you’ll have to cab home alone, which sucks too.   2. They probably have awesome clothes,Read More

I’ve been traveling a lot recently. I’ve been visiting friends and going to weddings and generally enjoyed a packed social schedule that has been more hectic than normal. I’m not complaining; it was sweet. The traveling has eaten into my writing schedule though so I’ve been a little M.I.A. here (Sorry Ascher!) Good thing for you though, dear readers, is that traveling stirs the soul and fosters creativity. Some of the great writers in the world found their masterpieces either On the Road (sorry everyone else for that pun) orRead More

Unless your childhood was a mundane mix of mild manners and perfect parenting you probably read the infamous, Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorsts, somewhere between wetting the bed and fourth grade.  I could delve into details of the prizes his brothers found in their cereal bowls that morning and what Alexander found instead,(nothing), but from the title the underlying nature of the story is apparent.  As adults without bed times and with the ability to buy ourselves a cookie, we at leastRead More

I take pride in my beard.  I love growing my facial hair out because it makes me feel manly.  Maybe it’s my own version of a lifted truck, but I don’t care.  It also keeps my face warm in the winter months, so there’s that.  Here are some things that can start to get annoying about having a beard once you realize that they’re going to happen over and over again regardless of where you are.   1. Things get stuck in your beard. Namely food, but you’d be surprisedRead More

It began in first grade when the discovery of a substitute teacher greeting the class in the morning distressed me so much that I begged my mother, through snot and salinized skin, to take me home from school. My threshold for the substitute teacher’s performance being less than perfect in mirroring my own teacher’s routine absolutely shattered me. I was sort of a high-strung child, you might declare. Thankfully, years later, there is nothing that warrants this exact reaction from me, except, perhaps, intense moments of hunger. Childhood anxiety isRead More

I have spent a majority of the past 8 months begging for summer to greet me with her sunshine and warm weather. I wanted needed shorts and sandals. I laid in bed beneath my down comforter in my fleece footie pajamas with my space heater cranked up wondering when the madness would end, wondering when I would enjoy walking outside again, wondering when it wouldn’t be necessary for me to have a parka accessible at all times. Alas, summer is here! But let’s not forget that every rose has its thorn,Read More

To get the full effect of this post please listen to this song while reading. “The subway breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places.” -Ernest Hemingway/Rachel Harrison. Taking public transit is a struggle. Despite the perks of never having to worry about gas or car payments and insurance, the subway tests humans in unspeakable ways.   Stranger Danger Being trapped in an enclosed space with hundreds of complete strangers daily is not ideal to say the least. More often than not these strangers possess alternative views onRead More