rants Tag

When Brett Kavanaugh is (almost certainly) granted his spot on the bench of the highest court in the land this Saturday, it will represent yet another un-probed depth of the American political system – one level below the last false bottom that we assured ourselves was the floor. Whether you believe the words of Judge Kavanaugh, Dr. Blasey-Ford, both, or neither, we can all agree that the events of the last week have been an ugly reminder about the political climate in which we live in 2018. Even leaving asideRead More

When we were younger, we wanted to be older.  Now that we’re older, we want to be younger, or at least still in college because that was a collection of years that will not count when we reach the pearly whites.  But let’s face it, we have to adult, even when it feels like it just too much.  Here’s a little guide to help you through the hard parts or the times that you just can’t… Breathe Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Take in this moment for what it is andRead More

 Surgeon General: Turn Signals Added To List of Cancer Culprits  The ever-increasing list of activities, behaviors, and objects linked to cancer, which includes, but is not limited to, cell phones, white bread, wheat bread, rye bread, pumpernickel bread, pumpernickel yeast; plastic bags, plastic toilet handles, plastic silverware dividers; cats, dogs, parakeets, cockatoos, tortoises, hamsters; carpet, hardwood, cement foundations, and sleeping on sheets with between zero and 25 million threads, has added a new member for the first time in over two hours: your turn signals. After spearheading the multi-trillion-dollar researchRead More

The best story ever told was between someone’s fingertip and their beloved’s skin- a love story of some sort or the tale of two individuals coming together. The only thing more epic than the beginning of a love story is the ending- the final touch or the end of the caress. In today’s society, it seems as though the only thing being touched is the screen on a smart phone to start a text message, and sometimes, the ending of an affair isn’t even granted that courtesy. From my datingRead More

I read this article recently about some CEO lady who basically went on a rant on why Hillary Clinton, and well, women in general were not MEANT to be President. Their biological physiology does not align well with the job because you know…those damn hormones. Oh and also the Bible says so. Yeah, I know, I couldn’t find the verse either. As women, we can run households, schools, hospitals, entire corporations even, but we CANNOT and SHOULD NOT run the country (or apparently a church, for that matter…), because whoRead More

I close my eyes and images appear in my mind. They’re ones I haven’t conjured up. They’re immediate and ugly and ferocious — a dismembered arm, a spider crawling outwards from an eye with its silky, black legs, and a red hourglass on its belly. I can’t sleep. Sometimes I wish I was a hamster. Hamsters are nocturnal, after all, and this sleeplessness at night would then be acceptable. I take a deep breath. (The kind that cracks your spine in a few places at once, but doesn’t calm youRead More

Work sucks. I think I’ve mentioned this at least six times before, but it just really sucks. As part of my intense dislike for the job, I’ve decided to dish the beans and spill the dirt on the secrets I’ve learned– and used myself– since starting my minimum wage job. 1. Sometimes when we say the coffee’s fresh, and we say, “There’s a fresh pot in the back” it just means we’re going to microwave the coffee. It’s probably one of the most common lies we tell. There are peopleRead More

Okay, I will never be the first person to say that getting a job when you’re allowed to is a bad thing, but I’ll also never be the person to say that getting a job is full of sunshine and rainbows and that it restores your faith in humanity, because it doesn’t– that’s a lie perpetuated by movies and TV and the occasional blogger. Nevertheless, I still have a job, for, y’know, college. To celebrate almost a full year in this particular job– whose nickname rhymes with Rickey Lee’s– I’veRead More

The thing about Tacos de Huicho, the most kickass taco place in town and probably the world, is that though they have kickass tacos they also have a not so kickass restroom setup. It’s not as bad as the one in my favorite Starbucks. The one that has the automatic light that seems to always turn off right in the middle of doing your thing. The one that seems to give up on you the way your high school English teacher did during your junior year. But it does onlyRead More

Pick-Up Artist:  The ironically named man who seems to believe that the only way to get laid is to use a variety of underhand tactics and tricks.  Synonyms:  Clown, Slimeball, Womanizer, Fail. Working in retail, I meet a variety of beautiful strangers every day.  Today, I met two pick-up artists in training.  Let me explain.  This afternoon, a couple dudes in their late twenties asked me if I could help them find a book called, no joke, The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists.  HA.  Let me give you a brief excerptRead More

Dear Shitty Parents, I know this is not a polite way to start off a letter, but who the fuck do you think you are?  There is not enough coffee in the world to protect me from your OC superiority complex.  I know I smile a lot.  And yes, I’m pretty damn good at making the Children’s Department look like Disneyland.  However, I did not think it was endearing that you referred to me as a “super nanny.”  I am a stressed out twenty-something trying to make some money whileRead More

It was one of those classic San Francisco mornings.  In other words, I was hungover and there were homeless men sleeping outside my 6-floor building downtown.  I liked where I lived.  It was “different.”  Moreover, it was my first studio apartment and when I lifted my murphy bed back into the wall, I could dance in my underwear by myself or with a special friend, depending on the day of the week.  I had left suburbia and entered a city where I could sort of see my entire future unfolding.  TheRead More

Rarely would I scroll to the bottom of an article to observe the mindless debauchery that occurs in the comment section. That is, until it was my own. Not too long ago, Thought Catalog published one of my articles, one that received several unwarranted and irrelevant comments. My initial shock wore off almost immediately, as I found them more comical than offensive. Kind of like watching an episode of Southpark, it’s so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh. My personal favorite came from a commenter who identified himself asRead More

So, I live in Atlanta and if you don’t know, the weather here is a fucking joke. As in, “Today will be a low of 30 degrees and a high of 75.” That’s not even an exaggeration, that was the weather report two days ago. Which means I start off many a morning like, “WTF am I supposed to wear? Do I dress for winter or summer? Hellllpppp!!!” Unfortunately I’m not in elementary school and can’t just ask my mom what I should wear. Thankfully, my friend told me aboutRead More

With Halloween fast approaching, it’s the time of year to curl up on the couch with a bowl of candy corn and watch a scary movie. There are the classics like The Exorcist, The Shining, The Amityville Horror, one of the 8,036 Saw movies…or you could go a less traditional route, you unique snowflake you, and watch one of these utterly horrifying non-horror movies.   Sex and the City 2 Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha are back and they’re…still complaining. After a decade of bitching, these wealthy, successful women whoRead More