A Panty-Dropping Valentine’s Day Playlist for Every Relationship Status

The big day is here, guys. Valentine’s Day. Or, as I like to call it, “Girls are Feeling Romantic and Horny,  Therefore You Better Get Laid” Day. Yes, no matter your relationship status today – whether you’re single and free, tied down, or out in the wild in-between – as a man, you should be doing everything possible to make this evening a memorable one. While your girlfriend, date, or girl you pick up at the bar will appreciate the flowers, dinner, or, for the last option, the shot of Burnett’s, you – the noble Valentine’s Day man – should be appreciating some mindblowing sex for your chivalrous gestures.

So how to make this happen? Yes, the dinner, flowers, teddy bears, and all that jazz can certainly do the trick. So can a nice bottle of Merlot. But, you can’t forget one KEY ingredient in your perfect Valentine’s Day hookup: The MUSIC! I’m here for you, bros. We’ll run through a few quick hypotheticals here, and you decide which situation is going to most-closely fit your Valentine’s Day evening. Then, choose your music accordingly.

Scenario 1: Single and Dateless on Valentine’s Day

If you find yourself in this position, you probably fall into one of two categories: 1) You’re single and miserable, and would do anything to have a valentine, or 2) You’re single and loving it, and you’re smart enough to know that you can score plenty of chicks on a Friday night Valentine’s special WITHOUT spending a cent on a half-assed dinner date. We’ll ignore the first category here, because if that sums up your feelings, the only music you’ll need is some Hawthorne Heights to deepen your sadness. No. We’ll focus on Valentine’s Night for the single dude who is just fine with being single.

So here’s the scenario. You spend this Friday night like you would any other. You go out to the bars or some house parties, on the prowl for some ladies. But on this night, the ladies will be easy pickins. Ain’t nobody tryna sleep alone on Valentine’s Day, especially single women. So, you go out, you find a hottie, you buy her a few drinks and work your usual game. You get back to your place. What do you do? It’s Valentine’s Day, for fuck’s sake. At least feign some romanticism. Light some candles, pop some decent champagne, and play the only song fitting for a Valentine’s one night stand. Duh. Panties = gone.

Scenario 2: Single and Going on a Date

You’re single and you’re looking, but not desperately. You’re in the whole “if the right girl comes along…” phase. And so, you’ve invited a girl that you could see something more with on a date. If you’re single and taking a girl on a date, let’s be honest: you probably have NOT banged her yet, or else you would a) not feel the need to buy her dinner and shower her with roses, or b) you would be at least somewhat committed to her, and not define yourself as single. Maybe I’m wrong, but nah, that’s rare.

So, we’ll assume you’re on a date with a girl that you have NOT done the no-pants-dance with, and who you ARE at least tangentially interested in…cause if you weren’t, why the fuck would you be spending money on her!? Clearly, your goal is to seal the deal with this lovely lady on what will be a romantic, memorable Valentine’s Evening. So, you go to dinner, give her a dozen roses, and pull her chair out before she’s seated. Be a gent, chicks love it. You get to know each other a little better over dinner, and the conversation goes well. After splitting some German chocolate cake for dessert, you invite her back to your place for a bottle of wine. You played your cards right all night, so she agrees. You get back to your shittastic apartment, and start making out on the couch, when all of a sudden, she notices the used condom your roommate left on the couch. Fuck. You need to reset the mood. You like this girl! You don’t want to screw this up, so you need something to prove that this IS going to be a romantic night. You pour her a glass of your finest Franzia, and turn on this song. Lay back baby and we’ll do this right, there’s blankets in back we can use…hear that? It’s the sound of SEALING. THE. DEAL.

Scenario 3: Fuck Buddies who Have Sex

I’ll try to keep this PG-13 I suppose, but you all know who and WHAT you are. So, you agreed to take your “buddy” on a Valentine’s Day date. Who knows why, cause you’re probably getting laid anyway, but I digress. You decided to do it, and you’re gonna live with it. Actually, check that, you’re probably gonna make her pay for her half of the meal. #YOLO. So once you get done eating and talking about the usual nonsense you and your on-again, off-again slampiece discuss, it’s time to get to the bedroom. Like any good F-buddies, you’ll probably both get wasted to deal with the shame. No champagne or wine here, you two get back to your place and split a 250 of Cuervo Gold. Again, #YOLO. Once you’re sufficiently sloppy and ready to get down to business with the most comfortable, animated mattress you know, you put on the only song that makes sense. Cause let’s be honest, all F-Buddies can’t stand each other deep down, and just CANNOT quit each other. As you hate-bang, you have to think…if our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

*Note: this song is EVEN MORE relevant, if, God forbid, you take your ex on a Valentine’s Day date.

Scenario 4: The New(ish) Girlfriend

Alright, in this hypothetical, I’m gonna assume you haven’t been dating your girlfriend for more than a few months, and this will be the first Valentine’s Day you spend together. Sucks to be you, homie. You have to go all out to show this girl that you love her likeSOmuch. This is an unenviable position you’re in.

So, you’re gonna take this girl to the fanciest place you can find, get her an FTD delivery to her door, and overspend on some piece of jewelry she’ll forget about in a month anyway. Trust me, that’s how this one is playing out. Might as well make the most of it. Dinner goes swimmingly, of course, and you and your girl boo-talk the night away. “I love you” is said plenty, and absolutely ridiculous discussions about your future together are likely to occur. She’s obviously spending the night, so you don’t have to try too hard in the convincing, but shit son, you better make it count. Rose petals on the floor, chilled Prosecco, Yankee Candles…THE WORKS. And if you’ve been dating for only a few months, the sex is probably still new and exciting! And even better…she’s probably still willing to give you a beej without you having to beg! Get her in the mood to have a mindblowing night in bed with the 1990’s song voted Most Likely To Give Women Multiple Orgasms…

Scenario 5: The Longtime Girlfriend (or fiancee, wife, et al)

Valentine’s Days have come and gone, and you’ve remained with the same chick. That is admirable in today’s world. Even better, Valentine’s Day is no big deal. She knows you love her, even if you don’t buy her an entire section of Tiffany’s or take her to a $300 prix-fixe, six-course mountain chateau for dinner. You have it pretty easy my friend. As long as you’re not a real dick, or get too drunk, she’s gonna be happy anyway.

It’s just like any other night you two go out. You have nice conversation about the day, stresses at work, and whatever other minutiae has transpired in the 2 hours since you last saw each other before dinner. You have a nice meal and retire back to your place (whether the “your” place means YOURS or yours and hers). You throw on the latest episode of whatever you’re binge-watching on Netflix, and you cuddle. You’ve been dating for long enough that a night of wild sex and blowies is almost-certainly out of the question, so you have to do what you can to make it special. We all know that girls are much more fun sexually when they truly feel in love, so you need to play the right track to get her in the mood for some passion. And nothing makes a girl feel like you truly, deeply love her than this song. Plus, she’ll be so impressed that you’re playing fucking N*Sync that she’ll probably just jump on you instantly. Love songs are good, NOSTALGIC love songs are GREAT. Enjoy the best sex you’ve had since last V-Day.

Scenario 6: Single and No Date, No Desire to Go Out

Well, there’s always next year, bud. In the meantime, count your blessings that we live in the age of RedTube (NSFW, duh). Here’s your kleenex-and-lotion anthem, dude.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Choose a fitting song for your situation, and go make the magic happen, tiger.

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