I’ve honestly been thinking about writing this list for a while because I love rappers, and while most of my friends and probably a good chunk of the internet think I’m just some big groupie, I don’t want to hook up with every black guy with a mixtape or a Soundcloud profile, I swear! And in order to prove that to you, I’ve come up with a list of my top 5 rappers I’d love to kick it with in a totally platonic and not at all sexual way.
5. Danny Brown
I love Danny Brown and when I listened to “I Will” in its entirety–which took a couple tries since initially I couldn’t make it to the 2nd verse without gagging–I was almost convinced to let him use me as his personal guinea pig to try out his oral skills because he talks such a big game that I’m convinced he’s probably good at it. And then I remember that Danny maybe has like 3 good teeth total and that it’s probably not worth it. Can you contract gingivitis through sexual contact? I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out. That being said, my boy Danny definitely has a sense of humor. Take for instance, “Bitch pussy smelled like a penguin / Wouldn’t hit that shit with my worst enemy’s penis.” He went there! I’m sure if I actually chilled with Danny Brown I’d be in tears because he no doubt has no filter whatsoever. I’d just love to post up in a Starbucks or like on a bench in a crowded park and just listen to the shit he says about random passersby. Then get fucked up together afterwards.
4. ScHoolboy Q
I fucking love Oxymoron and am forever grateful to Mr. Q for bringing back the bucket hat–I’m hoping a line of fanny packs will be in the works soon. If I got to party with ScHoolboy Q, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make it out alive because the combination of alcohol, lean, oxy, and possibly quaaludes would kill me…but it would all be worth it in my book because that shit would be fun AF.
Sidenote: I love that Q is nasty and I would totally get behind that (or more accurately, let that get behind me) but then I look at his face again and I’m like, nah nvm. Also when I saw him perform in October he’d literally do a hyped song, then sit down on stage and talk shit about the audience, start to gear up with a slow song, and then hit us with another pumped up one, so I doubt he has any stamina if you know what I’m sayin’.
3. Alex Wiley
Alex Wiley is hilarious. Like, you can just tell this dude is so ridiculous. From the fact that he’s extremely racially ambiguous-looking yet chooses to use the N-word at all possible times, to the fact that he’s got the voice of a black guy yet actually looks like a teenaged Pillsbury dough boy, what’s not to love? Take a look at his music video for “K Swiss” and then try to imagine what a day with Alex would be like. You got it, it’d involve running around Chicago, copious amounts of lean, and oh yeah, some random guy in a Gumby costume. Sounds like either another terrible installment in the Hangover saga OR the most epic day the Windy City has seen in a while. My vote’s for the latter.
2. Action Bronson
We’d kick it, we’d eat chicken parm, we’d rap about kickin’ it while eating chicken parm. We’d talk about Queens and I’d try my hardest to repress the urge to tell Bronsolino that I tell people I’m from Queens when I don’t want to give away my privilege. But like, Little Neck and Great Neck are next to each other so it’s totally practically the same thing, right? Right?! If not possible to hang out with Action Bronson, I would also accept engaging in a Vine feud with him.
Somebody please tell me what is not amazing about the artist formerly known as Tityboi. I’ll admit, I used to be really resistant to 2Chainz until I got over it and realized he cracks me up all the time and he seriously dgaf, like, ever. Some might call “She got a big booty / So I call her big booty” just lazy wordsmanship (that’s a real word now); I call it concise and to-the-point. Plus nicknames have never stuck on me even as a child so I can totally empathize with this situation. Some of 2Chainz’ hilarity includes: “My wrist deserve a shout out / I’m like what up, wrist? / My stove deserve a shout-out / I’m like what up, stove?” (Forks); “I stack my money so tall you might need a giraffe when you countin’ that cash” (R.I.P.), and also he literally has a song called “Netflix.” Like this dude is literally just absurd. And if he weren’t old enough to be my dad I’d probably want to be his best friend. Fuck it, I bet my dad and Mr. Chainz would get along pretty well, and that’s why 2Chainz is my #1.