All posts by Elin Van Atta

People love to hate on Valentine’s Day.  But why?  It’s just a stupid holiday created by Hallmark, right? Maybe.  Maybe not.  Let’s not take it so personally.  Quite frankly, “Singles Awareness Day” is getting old.  I’m over it.  She’s over it.  He’s over it.  Yes, I am aware that singles outnumber married people in America, but can we just call it “Saturday”?  Or, like, “Wear Something Sexy and Eat Chocolate Day”?   And besides, are any of us really alone?  Grab your best girlfriends and toast to singledom!  Dear single, youRead More

1.  Go for a run and don’t even think about coming home until your Facebook newsfeed has confirmed the winner aka the glorious ending of the game. 2.  Eat spa food (fuck it, grab a slice of pizza) and read a book from start to finish.  I recommend: This is Where I Leave You by Jonathon Tropper. 3.  Go to the beach.  You’ll feel like you’re on a private island because everyone else will be glued to their television screens, slapping butts, and getting shwasted. 4.  If you live alone,Read More

Pick-Up Artist:  The ironically named man who seems to believe that the only way to get laid is to use a variety of underhand tactics and tricks.  Synonyms:  Clown, Slimeball, Womanizer, Fail. Working in retail, I meet a variety of beautiful strangers every day.  Today, I met two pick-up artists in training.  Let me explain.  This afternoon, a couple dudes in their late twenties asked me if I could help them find a book called, no joke, The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists.  HA.  Let me give you a brief excerptRead More

“Long distance is hard.”  -Everyone It was years ago the first time it happened.  He lived in New York.  Brooklyn, to be exact.  I was living in San Francisco.  Where we met:  the Caesars Palace pool.  He was tall, (deviously) charming, and had just gotten his Masters at Stanford.  I was impressed but so what?  Why would anyone get involved with someone who lived in a different city, especially one on the other side of the country?   I mean, seriously.  Maybe it was the dizzying Vegas sun or theRead More

Dear Shitty Parents, I know this is not a polite way to start off a letter, but who the fuck do you think you are?  There is not enough coffee in the world to protect me from your OC superiority complex.  I know I smile a lot.  And yes, I’m pretty damn good at making the Children’s Department look like Disneyland.  However, I did not think it was endearing that you referred to me as a “super nanny.”  I am a stressed out twenty-something trying to make some money whileRead More

For the past 15 Monday nights, I have been expanding my knowledge on human sexuality.  With my semester coming to a close, I can’t help but reflect on what I have learned.  Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about sex.   1.  You can blow a condom into a balloon. “Don’t miss class next week.  I guarantee you will do something in a classroom that you have never done before.”  My professor has a flair for the dramatic, but he wasn’t joking.  Have you ever walked in on your teacher withRead More

Every weekday morning, I turn on the news to hear voices.  It is unlikely that I will engage in active listening before I’ve had my first cup of coffee. However, hearing the weatherman’s warm voice and seeing the traffic reporter in full hair and makeup reminds me that there are other souls awake.  As a non-morning person, this daily routine inspires me to get up and stay up.  Sometimes I’ll drink my coffee and pause for a second to hear what my news anchor friends are blabbing about.  Last Monday, before 7am, they toldRead More

It was one of those classic San Francisco mornings.  In other words, I was hungover and there were homeless men sleeping outside my 6-floor building downtown.  I liked where I lived.  It was “different.”  Moreover, it was my first studio apartment and when I lifted my murphy bed back into the wall, I could dance in my underwear by myself or with a special friend, depending on the day of the week.  I had left suburbia and entered a city where I could sort of see my entire future unfolding.  TheRead More

1.  Make your bed. Good morning and congratulations!  You woke up again, and you only pressed snooze twice! Ever heard of the expression, “Messy bed, messy head?”  For me, this simple saying makes all the sense.  The mindless act of putting your bed together sets the tone for a productive, calm day.  It just does.  Prepare a fresh start to the day by respecting your space.  And floss your teeth while you’re at it.  People forget to do that.   2.  Smile at strangers. I once heard a wise manRead More

I’ve never been a big fan of “the birthday.”  While I certainly appreciate the extra love on Facebook from people I haven’t seen since Myspace was the accepted social network, I just don’t feel the need to be celebrated for a full 24 hours.  What did I accomplish?  Being born?  Shouldn’t you be sending wishes to the woman who went through horrific labor in order to literally squeeze me out into this world?  I mean, really.  Nonetheless, regardless of how undeserving I may feel of the cakes and checks, I can’tRead More

On September 4th, 2014 at 1:17 pm EST, a comic legend died.  Joan Rivers was 81 when she peacefully passed away from throat surgery complications.  Just a few nights prior, she was doing stand-up for fans at a Q&A event.  Until the day she died, she flew from NYC to LA every week, hosting the popular E! show, Fashion Police.  She coined the widely popular phrase, “Who are you wearing?”  and was unforgettably influential in the entertainment industry.  Joan Rivers was incredibly unique from the inside out.  Love her or hate her,Read More

It was 10am and my studio smelt like cheap wine.  Everywhere.  My body felt like it had been glued to my unkempt bedding; I couldn’t move.  My eyes wished they had never opened while my mind already wished it was some place else.  So I got up to forget again.  I started stumbling to the fridge and, oh shit.  I found out why my room smelt like wine.  My laptop was laying on the wooden floor of my San Francisco apartment…wet.  What did I do last night?  All I knewRead More

The other day while I was laying in bed with a bowl of coffee, my favorite KTLA news reporter said something that semi-grabbed my attention.  She said, “blah blah blah professional eater blah blah blah.”  Professional eater?  My eyes had been opened and it wasn’t the coffee this time.  If there was a job title like that out there in the open, what else was there?  As someone who is clearly looking for another job, I had to investigate further.  Listed below are ten of the least talked about jobs in theRead More

In Junior High, I wore pleather pants from Wal-Mart, probably accessorized with leopard-print sneakers and 12-too-many butterfly clips in my crafty up-do.  I proudly told people that I didn’t care what anyone thought about me.  I was lying.  Truth is, I wore my hair like a drug addict because I wanted to stand out.  And as far as the pleather pants, those were in style, okay?  My little sister got a pair too because I’m a terrible influence.  We were a couple of tweens in mass-market pleather.  With braces.  Visualize that.Read More

Unless you’re a trust-fund babe living in a coked-out fantasyland, you have a job.  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 15.7 percent of us work in wholesale or retail trade.  In other words, 15.7 percent of the workforce doesn’t remember what a weekend feels like.  For some people, it’s the job they hope to have for years.  For the rest of us, it’s simply a job we work while keeping our eyes wide open for bigger and better possibilities.  While it seems like most of my friends have movedRead More