Posted On September 8, 2014 By In Buzzworthy, The Scene

That’s What She Said: Joan Rivers Quotes


On September 4th, 2014 at 1:17 pm EST, a comic legend died.  Joan Rivers was 81 when she peacefully passed away from throat surgery complications.  Just a few nights prior, she was doing stand-up for fans at a Q&A event.  Until the day she died, she flew from NYC to LA every week, hosting the popular E! show, Fashion Police.  She coined the widely popular phrase, “Who are you wearing?”  and was unforgettably influential in the entertainment industry.  Joan Rivers was incredibly unique from the inside out.  Love her or hate her, she had a remarkable work ethic and never stopped making people laugh.  She was outspoken, yes, but her fearlessness paved the way for women everywhere, particularly in comedy.

Joan’s daughter, Melissa Rivers, stated on the day of her mother’s death: “My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh.  Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.”   For those ready to return to laughter (with some wisdom sprinkled in between), these quotes are for you.


“I don’t exercise.  If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”


“The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels.  I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”


“I’m no cook.  When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”


“I’ve had so much plastic surgery.  When I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”


“Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying.  How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’?  It’s like talking to a supermodel.”


“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”


“That comes with age: Knowing it’s their problem, not mine.”


“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”


“There are many self-help books by PhD.’s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A–I’ve Been Through It All.  This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.”


“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.'”


“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have money, you can have a key made.”


“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”


“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”


“Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.”


“Don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”


“I enjoy life when things are happening.  I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things.  That means you’re alive.  Things are happening.”


“I blame my mother for my poor sex life.  All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’  For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Tags : , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Elin Van Atta is a writer for Writtalin. She is a senior marketing student at CSULB and Pilates instructor in-training. Elin lives in a fantasy land and often goes on adventures that she can't afford. She enjoys cat-free living quarters, cookie butter, and running half-marathons. Always drinking coffee. Never not drinking coffee. She really likes coffee. Follow her on Instagram @elinvanatta for a glimpse into the life of an overly caffeinated twenty something in-n-out of suburbia.