It’s every man’s dream to one day climb to the greatest status that exists in all of human kind, the world, the galaxy, the universe, the whole enchilada…to be a “Slob.” Yes, being a “Slob” takes years of dedication and persistence.
The goal of every young boy is to watch “Girls” on HBO in his underwear as the dog eats the taco you left in the couch last Thursday when you “wake-and-baked” at 6am, only to forget the taco, miss class, miss work, and ask the postwoman, Shirley – who’s a cigarette away from achieving full on stank-face nirvana – out on a date because that day she wore what looked to be a yellow polka-dotted thong sticking out of that worn-out, grizzled forty-something sweaty butt cleavage.
This dream can be yours if you’re willing to put in the time, effort, and dedication that come with this prestigious title. To achieve this highest form of enlightenment, being a “Slob,” you must follow these five easy steps.
Step 1) Your Pad.
It’s got to be a dark and lonely place; picture “masturbating with your own tears” sad. There’s got to be no more than two windows with any direct sunlight before 11:30, and anything bigger than a one bedroom and you are pissing off the “Slob Gods.” Oh yeah, there are “Slob Gods.” Where did you think Donnie from The Big Lebowski went? He’s no pushover up there either. He’s been tapping Amy Winehouse on the reg.
Still got three cases of baseball cards from the 1980’s? Perfect. Stuff those right behind the front door, so when people come over, they have to acknowledge how “metal” you are.
Clothes must be thrown about with reckless abandon, concentrating to throw your rip-burned tightie-whities in clear view for all visitors, especially women callers. Nothing gets a woman’s motor revving like the sweet stench of Taco Bell and Cap’n Crunch feces.
Tip: The rip-burn must be at least four inches long or it doesn’t count. That is what’s known in the “Slob” business as the “Leaky Gaper.”
Step 2) Personal Hygiene.
“Less is more” should be your mantra. I mean, shaving is overrated, so is showering every day, and does one really need to brush his teeth? A good once-over every other Wednesday works just fine. I mean, there’s Fluoride in the water!
Note: When looking at overgrowth on the toe nails, be sure to keep in mind the many uses these overgrown fungus-infected stink chips have. A crudely filed one can double as a spoon, a tomato slicer, and in masturbation emergencies, you can tickle your taint for those stubborn half chubs.
Step 3) Transportation
It would be best if you just didn’t have a car. A car says “I like to go places easily.” Being a “Slob,” you must think outside the box to get to 7/11 at 4:30am on a Tuesday in your sweat pants and flip-flops. A scooter, skateboard, or beat up 10-speed is ideal, but there’s never a better lady-attracter than the Monthly Bus Pass; it’s been used by “Slobs” for decades.
Step 4) Job
You can’t reach full enlightenment until you realize you won’t be kept down by the man, him and his rent, bills, and societal standards. Don’t believe the hype! Get yourself a nice, trashy, creepy crawly-infested Sugar Momma. These are plentiful at any Walmart or your local bowling alley. You can spot one by the unique way their belly fat spills over the yoga pants that their girlfriends said looked amazing, while the C-Section scar smiles at the oncoming penis parade that’s she’s sure is coming. That’s when you know you have a keeper!
Step 5) Vag
Hint: Sometime the Sugar Mama has a bi-curious daughter. Family Threesomes are the hizzy!
There it is. A step-by-step guide to being the best “Slob” you can be. Follow these steps and enlightenment can be yours!
EXTRA CREDIT: Tattoos of animated characters. Get lots of them, all in very visible spots. The more obscure the better. Think “Muppet Babies,” “The Monchhichis,” or if you’re daring, “Snorks.”