Allyson came to visit Kelsey in good old SL,UT for a weekend of sisterly bonding and brawling, this time sans bearded boyfriends that drive like 80 year old ladies. What follows is a collaborative account between sisters.
We arrived in Salt Lake at the Howard Johnson Express Inn with low expectations. This was fortunate because our hotel looked like an abandoned building with resident roaches and rodents. The HJ was rough and good-enough, but nothing more if we were to be honest with ourselves. Our first room was street level and pungent with a mystery scent we didn’t want to try to dissect. Being raised by paranoid parents, we decided to get a less offensive room on an upper level. It seemed to inconvenience Cody, our lobby boy, when Kelsey asked for a room change. When she told him it smelled, he seemed offended. Allyson clarified that it smelled like cigarette smoke so that he wouldn’t think we were insulting his identity of lobby boy.
“All of our rooms are non-smoking.” Cody told us sternly, in a scare tactic similar to the stoma commercials. Cody reassigned us to the highest floor, room 319. We were that much closer to heaven and it smelled like it.
The next day, Allyson got her hair chopped into a little flapper bob. It took two hours to hack away all of those five inches and afterwards we spent the day at the park with our olives. That night we met up with Allyson’s Tinder match, Billy, at Bar X. It had been established before that this was a group hang and not a sick two-sistered date. Kelsey made the mistake of telling Allyson she looked like an 80’s prostitute. A compliment to some, but not all it turns out. Allyson told Kelsey she was dressed like she was going to hang out with their grandma. Some of us were slightly cranky upon arrival.
We sat at the bar and along came Billy. Now, you might hear the name Billy and instantly imagine a chiseled jaw and a hunky 6-pack that says hello to the world during a shirtless high school cross country practice. But no. This Billy was a short-ish Asian man in a green army jacket who was perhaps a little wispy on top in an I-will-be-bald-in-five-years sort of way. He sat next to Allyson who sat next to Kelsey which put Allyson in the middle and Kelsey in the corner next to the television.
How does one participate in a Tinder date with two sisters? Allyson thought the approach should involve outlandish questions that any second grader could answer. (The intellect level of Billy was not yet determined.) Actually, all he divulged about himself was how much he missed New York and loved his dog. Our drinks arrived, two hearty whiskey cocktails in tumbler glasses with ice cubes heavy enough to silence the darling sisters’ would-be snarky comments on the Manhattan that arrived shortly after in a girly cocktail glass for Billy. Did he think he was on Sex and The City? Kelsey forced the group into a cheers dedicated to “friendship” to solidify their intentions with Billy.
“What is your favorite color?” Allyson asked him once the embarrassing display of drinks were delivered.
“Green,” Billy flirted.
“OH. I’m not wearing any green.” Kelsey tried to be part of the conversation.
“You are.” Billy flirted, pointing to Allyson’s dress, “What’s your favorite color?”
“I like green, too.” Allyson decided.
NO ONE ASKED KELSEY WHAT HER FAVORITE COLOR WAS.
Billy was not the most interesting person at the bar. Billy was boring. This became particularly evident after more questions directed towards him were met with the most uninteresting response
When Allyson’s foot fetish tickling odd job was revealed and Kelsey’s nude modeling stint was mentioned, we asked Billy to disclose a secret of his own. Tell us something that doesn’t make us want to crawl under the bar and die of boredom, Billy! As he sipped his Manhattan, he told us about the time when he, at twenty-four had a threesome with two underage girls. Really? REALLY, Billy? Statutory rape is not the kind of thing you tell strangers about in a bar after only one drink, Billy. When someone asks for a secret you don’t tell them about the time you almost became a registered sex offender and liked it.
Allyson had an alarming thought.
“You know that’s not what this is, right?”
“Ew!” Kelsey openly screeched in disgust at the mere thought.
Eventually, Kelsey gave up fighting what was starting to feel like some serious 3rd wheel-age on her part. She sat in silence, listening to that night’s entertainment–a short white man in a beaded Cleopatra wig that was tied into a ponytail– sing his heart out. Allyson recognized the glazed-over look of her sister in pivotal moments where she couldn’t carry the weight of a conversation with a boring, balding pervert on her own. Kelsey had given up.
“Are you tired?” Ally hinted. “Yeah, we should go.” Kelsey agreed. We found our way back to the glamorous Howard Johnson and after the tiresome Billy, the HJ was predicable, but comfortable with a lobby boy. Exactly how the Darling sisters wanted to finish off SL,UT.