All posts by Kelsey Darling

We’re all looking for love, but ladies, we’ve been looking in the wrong places!!  It’s time to get practical and kill two birds with one stone.  Your love life can be romantic and functional. Set yourself up for success and get the most out of your relationships!  Here are some men to consider being attracted to:   The Mechanic Mechanics have a reputation for being sleazy and giving you the go-around.  I know as much about open heart surgery as I do about cars, so it’s pretty easy to deceiveRead More

If I tried to share 50 praises for 50 Shades of Grey, I would experience 50 brain farts.  So instead, here are just 10 little tidbits about my late night Thursday viewing (and I don’t even mention feminism):   1. If you are going to see 50 Shades of Grey, I recommend going with not your boyfriend, because this movie was about as steamy as a shower when all the hot water is gone because you live with some really inconsiderate roommates. Like, basically just a lot of boobs andRead More

While we all eagerly wait for Jesus to once again pop up from the dead (and doesn’t he take his sweet time), like the most anticipated pop tart that a hungry morning ever saw, our Catholic mothers have been reminding us for ages (or maybe just a week) to decide the Thing we will give up for Lent. This Thing is something of great importance, as we will all publicly post about it in order to be held accountable. With this sacrifice, there is a great chasm between what mother/JesusRead More

If I didn’t have people I loved and I wasn’t an indentured servant to my student loans, the chances are high that I would be a full-fledged hermit woman by now. All I would need is a good cave, a good book, and maybe some Hot Cheetos. Still, somehow, when I receive a social invitation, my first instinct is to say yes. It’s only hours before the event that I realize I’ve made a huge mistake. For fellow introverts, here is my humble hermit advice:   Under-Promise and Over-Deliver TheRead More

When you’re on a date with someone and there’s a lull in the conversation, sometimes that lull grows into a black hole of silence that there is no returning from. And the more you realize it’s growing, the more you panic, the deeper you sink into the quicksand of quiet. So before it gets to the eerie point of a borderline monastic silence, you should enlist the Art of So. The Art of So is centered on the theory that people love to talk about themselves. This is usually theRead More

I find myself glumly returning to the pool of unemployed college graduates JUST in time for holiday parties.  How convenient.  I broke up with my job on Friday and I have to admit, it felt good!  I’ve never broken up with a person and felt this positive afterwards.  But, like any split, we have to deal with the allocation of snacks, random gifts, and office supplies (that turned out to be more happenstance than intentional because I left in a hurry).  Here’s the way the cookie crumbled:   What TheyRead More

Sometime after Halloween, when the radio started drowning in Christmas music and Starbucks reintroduced their eggnog latte, a ball of dread started to grow in my gut.  And it continues to grow as big as the mall Santa’s beer belly until I will be faced with the very event that inspires this trepidation: Thanksgiving dinner.  Where relatives abound and the most burning hunger is not for turkey, but for details of my personal life.  I am thankful for the wine that will help me survive their  predictable questions.  It mightRead More

Wearing a bra is more exhausting than wearing pants. Yes, they are necessary and eventually become a regular way of life, but you have to realize we go through training for that shit.  And it is both exciting and horribly embarrassing at the same time.  The extreme blush of buying your first bra with your mother, the shy confidence that comes from having your bra strap snapped by the boys at recess–bra training really drains your emotions!  Now I wonder why I was ever excited about training for this perma-seatbeltRead More

1. Thou Shalt Have No Other Hobbies Before Me Although it is permissible to lie on your online dating profile, in an interview, or to impress an acquaintance.     2. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of Lord Netflix in Vain Seriously.  Don’t insult or mock Netflix.  There are too many devout and loyal followers.  We are everywhere.     3. Remember to Keep Holy the Sabbath Day Which, in the instance of Lord Netflix, is every day.  Especially Friday nights and entire Saturdays.  But we can’t rule outRead More

My feelings about online dating are very unserious.  That’s why I chose OkCupid.  No one is searching for their eternal companion there, unless their standards are limbo-dance low.  It’s no eHarmony with commercials of middle-aged couples finding happiness  together through the internet.  This website doesn’t have commercials because the users just go Ehhh…okay, Cupid, fine, I’ll give online dating a try. My labors were not extensive and my profile was playful, but brief.  Still, I have found great success thanks to Cupid and my inability to say no.  These areRead More

Maybe you think you’re helping, but the thing is, we’re all becoming awesome individuals according to our own standards, desires, beliefs, and values. So these lists — Things That You Should Know lists, regardless of which gender it’s directed at — have to stop.  I’m far from being a Helen of Troy, but I’ve never sat at home and scratched my head (or balls), wondering what I needed to change in order to be more attractive to others.  I guess it’s cute that people are trying to help, and IRead More

Because not every dance floor can have Patrick Swayze. Nearly all adult dance floors yield the same experience for me (excluding Mormon ones, which I greatly prefer, because we leave room for Jesus in between).  It typically goes like the beginning of an Ashlee Simpson song: All my girls  stand in a circle and clap your hands, this is for you. Okay, so there’s not a lot of clapping happening, but there is a collection of boozy guys lurking in the periphery, trying to decide which stranger to approach andRead More

Where Boys Hide Their Boners When a guy pops a boner in basketball shorts, there’s only one place to hide.  My first boyfriend taught me where boys keep their boners. One night he took me to a scenic overlook that had a view of the city which I enjoyed from the inside of my boyfriend’s mouth as we made out against a high-standing stone wall.  (That is to say, I did not actually enjoy much of the view because we were otherwise occupied). He was a giant at 6’3″ toRead More

A person’s love of doughnuts is a profound and special ocean of emotion.  The passion is such that when a girl needs a doughnut, she needs it NOW. So when the craving calls, she answers.  This is why I used to repeatedly find myself (at all hours of the day/night) waiting in line with the tourists against the gold glittering brick wall of Voodoo Doughnut in Portland, Oregon. One day a handful of my college friends and I, being observant people, happened to notice the Paris Theatre  next door, advertisingRead More

While good-intentioned, the article 3Things You Never Say to a  Lady is actually  in itself, if not male bafoonery, then an example of a communication breakdown.  Good for you for realizing the idiocy of some of your male peers, but if you want to treat women right then you might need to re-evaluate the reasons behind your behaviors.  Don’t change the subject about weight in order to avoid saying something you’ll regret, or passively agree for the sake of keeping the peace, or offer to pay simply because you areRead More