Wearing a bra is more exhausting than wearing pants.
Yes, they are necessary and eventually become a regular way of life, but you have to realize we go through training for that shit. And it is both exciting and horribly embarrassing at the same time. The extreme blush of buying your first bra with your mother, the shy confidence that comes from having your bra strap snapped by the boys at recess–bra training really drains your emotions! Now I wonder why I was ever excited about training for this perma-seatbelt contraption. It’s like I can’t trust my boobs to be safe on their own, I’ve got to strap them down.
Periods are a powerful, spiritual phenomenon that we are all tremendously grateful for and our only complaint is that they won’t last forever.
Thank you God for this man-made miracle! I say man-made because only a fucker with a penis could create this monstrosity and assign such horrendous rules and then turn it into some kind of shameful secret. It’s like a Nickelback CD that your uterus plays on repeat for 7 days, every 28 day cycle. And you only get to sit out on the bench if you’re old or pregnant (and that’s just for one season). It’s a great bundle deal with the cramping and moodiness, too. Such a blessing to have a river of red float like a delicate ribbon of purity and fertility from such a cozy place. But the real gift is in the days of bloody carnage–when there is a battlefield in your panties and not a soldier makes it out alive. So thanks for the sweet design, God! I know it didn’t come from Mother Nature.
Keeping unwanted body hairs at bay is a full-on war.
You’ve got your standard artillery weapons–Schick Quattro TrimStyle, Gilette Venus Embrace, Bic Soleil Bella Disposables. And then you have your chemical warfare–Nair Sensitive Bikini Cream, Veet cold wax strips, Sally Hansen cream hair remover. And finally, there is nuclear warfare–laser hair removal. Gotta work hard to not have a unibrow.
Split ends are a blessing and a curse.
Ultimately, they mean your hair is damaged and they have to go. But in the meantime, you are walking around with a head full of Things to Do When You’re Bored. Split ends are designed for long-winded lectures and waiting in line at banks. And I won’t say splitting hairs is exactly the same as splitting atoms, but it is a very intricate and intensive art that requires exceptional vision, a steady hand, and hyper-focus.