Posted On October 6, 2014 By In Advice For Women, Girlzone

The Female Guide for Out-Maneuvering Grinders at the Club


Because not every dance floor can have Patrick Swayze. Nearly all adult dance floors yield the same experience for me (excluding Mormon ones, which I greatly prefer, because we leave room for Jesus in between).  It typically goes like the beginning of an Ashlee Simpson song: All my girls  stand in a circle and clap your hands, this is for you. Okay, so there’s not a lot of clapping happening, but there is a collection of boozy guys lurking in the periphery, trying to decide which stranger to approach and rub their jeaned genitals on.  It’s a fairly inescapable dance floor phenomenon.

Here’s how you can tell if a man is trying to work up the courage to rub his pelvis on you: He has an awkward squat stance.  He’s getting closer.  No matter how many times you turn around, you can never seem to face him.  It’s as if his groin is magnetized to your ass.

In the instance of one of these inevitable and unwanted attacks, ladies, here is a guide for survival:


1. The Purse Protector

Preemptively and strategically navigate your purse to protectively reside over the majority of your ass to provide an obstacle for any would-be grinders.

purse butt

2.The Lone Wolf Lady

Establish a floater Lone Wolf Lady to patrol the outer perimeter of bootylicious territory.  This should be one of your friends with a fierce maternal instinct, an Intuition on par with Jewel’s, and onion breath.

lone wolf




3. Dance With Your Elbows

Mostly, elbows are not known for being the cushiest body part.  You can prepare by roughing them up for weeks with sand paper.  Dance liberally and wildly with them.  Don’t be afraid to make contact with wind pipes.

elbow dancing




4.The Hokey-Pokey

Attempt the awkward turn-yourself-around maneuver to unlatch the parasite hanging on your ass-if you do it hokey-pokey enough, they will be unseated.

hokey pokey




5. The Evasive Operation Bathroom/Relocate

Since drunken females use the bathroom in packs, no grinder will question the removal of their female grinding post.  Just be sure to tell him you will be Right. Back. as you scout for a new location.  Never go back.

girl bathroom groups




And remember ladies, at any time you can put an end to this mortar and pestle grinding by telling him you have a boyfriend.  Because if there’s one thing a relentless grinder will respect, it’s the fact that your ass belongs to another man.




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Kelsey Darling is a writer for Writtalin. Kelsey recently-ish graduated with an unhelpful degree from Portland State University. After a brief venture to Utah to live amongst the Mormons, she is now the palest person living in San Diego. She has a deep passion for whales, prominent eyebrows, and silver foxes. She has never been cool and neither has her hair.