Because not every dance floor can have Patrick Swayze. Nearly all adult dance floors yield the same experience for me (excluding Mormon ones, which I greatly prefer, because we leave room for Jesus in between). It typically goes like the beginning of an Ashlee Simpson song: All my girls stand in a circle and clap your hands, this is for you. Okay, so there’s not a lot of clapping happening, but there is a collection of boozy guys lurking in the periphery, trying to decide which stranger to approach and rub their jeaned genitals on. It’s a fairly inescapable dance floor phenomenon.
Here’s how you can tell if a man is trying to work up the courage to rub his pelvis on you: He has an awkward squat stance. He’s getting closer. No matter how many times you turn around, you can never seem to face him. It’s as if his groin is magnetized to your ass.
In the instance of one of these inevitable and unwanted attacks, ladies, here is a guide for survival:
1. The Purse Protector
Preemptively and strategically navigate your purse to protectively reside over the majority of your ass to provide an obstacle for any would-be grinders.
2.The Lone Wolf Lady
Establish a floater Lone Wolf Lady to patrol the outer perimeter of bootylicious territory. This should be one of your friends with a fierce maternal instinct, an Intuition on par with Jewel’s, and onion breath.
3. Dance With Your Elbows
Mostly, elbows are not known for being the cushiest body part. You can prepare by roughing them up for weeks with sand paper. Dance liberally and wildly with them. Don’t be afraid to make contact with wind pipes.
Attempt the awkward turn-yourself-around maneuver to unlatch the parasite hanging on your ass-if you do it hokey-pokey enough, they will be unseated.
5. The Evasive Operation Bathroom/Relocate
Since drunken females use the bathroom in packs, no grinder will question the removal of their female grinding post. Just be sure to tell him you will be Right. Back. as you scout for a new location. Never go back.
And remember ladies, at any time you can put an end to this mortar and pestle grinding by telling him you have a boyfriend. Because if there’s one thing a relentless grinder will respect, it’s the fact that your ass belongs to another man.