All posts by Kelsey Darling

Sometimes it’s the type of underwear or just the shape of your darling butt.  Other times it’s because of certain movements or a school bully.  Whatever the cause, most of us can agree that a wedgie is an uncomfortable and awkward secret lurking in our pants, and it needs to go away.  You have to pick it.  You can’t spend another second with your underwear swallowed by your ass.  Here are some tips for public excavation:   1. Coat Pockets These are ideal for frontal wedgies.  With your coat buttonedRead More

Unibrows can be fierce and badass.  Unfortunately, Americans don’t typically crave that singular wave of emotionally-charged expressive hair that perches atop our lovely eyes.  Eyebrows are a thing of character.  Less is more, some people are apt to say.  But thick, natural brows are trending and we’re just a few lazy Sundays away from abandoning plucking altogether.  This would be a favor to all the pubescent American middle school girls who are being introduced to tweezers by their older sister on her futon one bored afternoon. Until that day, IRead More

Because you can’t always do it the easy way…   Think Spend Sunday night marinating in a bath of whiskey and deep thought.  What do you want?  What do you not want?  How do you feel?  Make a pros and cons list if that helps.  But seriously jump in a bubble bath at least and check in with yourself.   Write Tell your feelings to a blank journal page.  Try to make sense of your feelings.   The Decision Decide, almost on a premeditated whim, that you are going toRead More

All your friends are getting married Bills Committed relationship (with your student loans) Debt Exploring and traveling Fading out of old friendships Grocery shopping for one Hangovers Interviews Juggling multiple part-time jobs with your fancy college degree Keeping in touch with friends that are worth it Learning how to pretend Morning-after pills New cities, new people One-night stands Pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner Quitting jobs that don’t deserve you Realizing how cool your family is Scheduling your own appointments Taxes Unemployment Villainous bosses Whiskey is the new vodka cranberryRead More

If you didn’t go to summer camp as a kid then you might not understand that camp is the best thing ever.  As a counselor at a resident camp for three summers, I am here to tell you to stop hunting for a summer job and start hunting for a summer camp!  It’s not the easiest job ever, but it’s definitely one of the most fun. The Good Playing all day. Being in nature and teaching kids about it. Showing kids how to unplug and have fun away from TV,Read More

Since the first growth of pubic hair, I have found older men attractive.  Boys my age have always been boys: unimpressive whispers of facial hair, crotchety sweatpants, and that permanent after-game locker room smell.  Maybe it started in 8th grade with my salt-and-pepper haired history teacher, Mr. Rogers.  There was something patriotically sexy about learning the states and their capitals.  And the way he asked how I was each day–it was so meaningful! Since then, my predilection for older men has only intensified. The term silver fox is used to artfullyRead More

Remember middle school boyfriends?  It’s just like that only no braces, better clothes and communication, and more confidence. He’s not asexual.  He’s not a virgin or a priest. He’s Mormon. I’m dating a Mormon. What does that mean?  Well, like other unfun religions, Mormons do not endorse premarital sex.  So that leaves us with a few choices.  We could get married, break the rules, or not have sex.  Since marriage is forever and breaking the rules would mean going against his beliefs, one of us chose the Not Having SexRead More

In honor and celebration of my birthday, which marks 23 years of stinky cheese breath, I offer you 23 confessions of my very own…   1. My first official confession was at the guilty age of 8, when I confessed to my Catholic priest, before my first communion, that I sometimes committed the grave sin of lying to my mother when she asked if I had brushed my teeth.  One should never lie about dental hygiene.   2. In 2nd grade my meanest, cruelest act of bullying was telling aRead More

It sucks.  Having a shitty boss is like surviving on rice cakes for the rest of your life.  It’s outrageous!  It’s unfair, ridiculous, and criminal.  Maybe you’re on your 16th draft of a Pros and Cons of Quitting list, or maybe you’re resigned to the fact that your boss is as intelligent and useful as belly button lint–either way, try to see the bright side.  Here are some invaluable life lessons you can learn during this time:   1. What Incompetence Looks Like Sort of like how being raised byRead More

When my baby teeth fell out of my head, they were replaced with a complete set of adult sweet-teeth.  My teeth and I have been through quite a lot together– phases of Nerds, licorice, caramel apples, Sour Punch Straws, and so much more.  An embarrassing number of cavities later, and I’ve had to investigate some healthier alternatives.  If you’re like me and looking for some easy, better than candy recipes, try these: 1. Frozen Yogurt Melts Easier than tying your shoe, this recipe yields a delicious frozen snack.  It’s quick andRead More

Whoever said that breaking up with someone is hard to do was probably doing it the right way.  And when you’re involved in a serious relationship, the break-up can be as colossal and gruesome as the casualties of the Civil War.  However, a break-up after dating for only a few weeks, or even a few months, only has to be as mildly uncomfortable as a secret wedgie.  You haven’t been dating quite long enough to warrant a face-to-face break-up, or even a voicemail, but it needs to end.  We’re aboveRead More

1. A Friendchip Party Celebrate the power of friendship with a chip potluck!  Potato chips could stand alone as my lifelong romantic interest, I love them so deeply.  I beg you to supply me with a human who doesn’t crave her crunch so that I can fix her.  Just imagine the rich diversity of a chip potluck.  The assortment of dips.  Chips of different color, categories, and socioeconomic backgrounds, all gathered together in harmony.  Doritos next to sweet potato chips, kale chips next to sour cream and onion Lays.  TheRead More

Consider this an incomplete list of things you should never do on a first date.   1. Oversharing Once I had a first date tell me about his fantasy role-playing shower games, where he would embark on a quest and do battle with the enemy. Oddly, we ended up dating (and I’m sure that says more about me than him), but you can see how that could be an issue, right?  If you can’t, you’re probably an oversharer.     2. Agreeing with everything your date says One of theRead More

New to Tinder or struggling to find fulfilling relationships through the app? Here are some tips to win over the ladies. 1. Creative Conversation Starters “Hey,” and “What’s up?” are easily ignorable and peg you as boring faster than your argyle sweater and nondescript haircut.  Ask your match something fun and interesting like “Does this mean we’re boyfriend and girlfriend?” or “Would your rather go hungry for a week or cut off your nipple shaving?”  Genuine compliments are also a welcome initiator.   2. Adventurousness Make sure to include aRead More