Whoever said that breaking up with someone is hard to do was probably doing it the right way. And when you’re involved in a serious relationship, the break-up can be as colossal and gruesome as the casualties of the Civil War. However, a break-up after dating for only a few weeks, or even a few months, only has to be as mildly uncomfortable as a secret wedgie. You haven’t been dating quite long enough to warrant a face-to-face break-up, or even a voicemail, but it needs to end. We’re above break-up texts here in this faux-adult world, so don’t even try it. I’m here to help and show you some options:
1. Good old-fashioned aversion
Do NOT respond to texts, do NOT take calls or listen to voicemails. Do NOT make plans. If you see her at Whole Foods, drop to tie your shoe and then army crawl out of the store. Do not engage under any circumstances. Ignore, ignore, ignore!
GOOD FOR: 2-5 dates, clingers, awkward encounters, people not worthy of the friend zone
2. Write a note
Deliver it and then walk away like you are an Olympic power-walker. She will probably be expecting a sweet love note, so knock the wind out of her fast, Little Rascals style:
I hate your stinkin’ guts.
You make me vomit.
You are scuuuum between my toes.
GOOD FOR: 1-2 weeks of dating, people who are literate
3. Send him break-up flowers
That’s nice, right? Probably the nicest way anyone has ever broken up with him. The excitement of getting flowers will give him a bit of a cushion when he reads the accompanying card. Be direct. Try something like, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Like a kidney stone, I was just passing through.” Or even, “Thanks for the good times. They were fun. You can keep the flowers, but I am done.”
GOOD FOR: dating for a week-two months, big and burly dudes who would be embarrassed to get flowers at work
4. Make him break up with you
Classic move à la How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Be overly emotional, become a stage 5 clinger, become an asshole. Start clipping your toenails dangerously close to her bowl of cereal. Tell her she has ham nipples. Write terrible love poetry and recite it. Make him watch The Princess Diaries with you. Be everything he hates!
GOOD FOR: dating for 2-4 weeks, the person who won’t let you break up with them
5. Arrange for him to walk in on you cheating
That’s what friends are for, right?
GOOD FOR: dating for 1-2 months, visual learners, people prone to denial
6. Simon Says
During (unbeknownst to him) break-up sex, initiate a naughty game of Simon Says. When you’re finished, send him away! Simon says put your clothes on and go home. Simon says don’t text me and never come back…You get it.
GOOD FOR: dating for 1-2 months, people who take directions well