Shameful Confessions: Episode 283

It was a dark and stormy night…no wait.  It was a fucking hot night.  Sticky as fuck!  I was 25.  Cool as cool can be, obviously.  I was meeting my hot-ass girlfriend’s parents for the first time.  Yep.  Yep.  How ya doing?  Nice to meet you.  Blah blah.  Yea I like school.  Bullshit bullshit.  Where can I put my stuff?

I had been holding a mean pizza slash hot wing shit in since my afternoon Astronomy class.  So there I was, upstairs in an unfamiliar house, trying to figure out where to drop this hot spicy load.  There it is!  Bathroom!  No.  No.  I’ll be down in a minute.

What a weird looking bathroom?  Not trying to be nosy but who fucking uses ass wipes?  I’m not a child!  Sat down.  Sweet relief, “Dumb and Dumber” style.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My relief was quickly interrupted by a POP.  I felt the seat beneath me shift.  What the fuck was that?!  I looked down in a panic.  Staring back at me was a cracked toilet seat.  Oh fuck!…No.  I’m fine.  I’ll be down in a minute!

I paced the bathroom like a crackhead.  What the fuck was I going to do?  I closely inspected the toilet seat after flushing down Pizza Hut’s finest.  I got down on my knees.  Staring back at me, reaching up out of the crack, was a single brown ass hair.

I tried to pull it out but the god damn thing but it wouldn’t budge!  This is bad.  Panic.  No more cavalier blow jobs for me!  What do I do?!  What do I do?!  Yea!  Almost done!  Just washing my hands!  Water on.  Resume panic.

And there is was.  My savior.  My way out.  A pink…gently used…women’s…disposable razor.

With a quickness I grabbed the razor and started to shave the toilet seat with a surgeon’s precision.  I’ll get you, you little bastard!  If this hair was the difference between me and more of that sweet oral goodness, I was taking it the fuck out!

Scrape scrape scrape.  Clean as a baby’s ass!

I stroked over the toilet gently feeling the smoothness with a smile.  I sighed knowing full well I may have just saved my penis’ love life.

In my relief I turned around to see…

Tags : blow job, College, comedy, Girlfriend, Miscellaneous, Parents, poop joke, ramblings, razor, relationship, shameful confessions, toilet seat