Posted On July 20, 2014 By In Miscellaneous, Ramblings

Shameful Confessions: Episode 283


It was a dark and stormy night…no wait.  It was a fucking hot night.  Sticky as fuck!  I was 25.  Cool as cool can be, obviously.  I was meeting my hot-ass girlfriend’s parents for the first time.  Yep.  Yep.  How ya doing?  Nice to meet you.  Blah blah.  Yea I like school.  Bullshit bullshit.  Where can I put my stuff?

I had been holding a mean pizza slash hot wing shit in since my afternoon Astronomy class.  So there I was, upstairs in an unfamiliar house, trying to figure out where to drop this hot spicy load.  There it is!  Bathroom!  No.  No.  I’ll be down in a minute.




What a weird looking bathroom?  Not trying to be nosy but who fucking uses ass wipes?  I’m not a child!  Sat down.  Sweet relief, “Dumb and Dumber” style.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My relief was quickly interrupted by a POP.  I felt the seat beneath me shift.  What the fuck was that?!  I looked down in a panic.  Staring back at me was a cracked toilet seat.  Oh fuck!…No.  I’m fine.  I’ll be down in a minute!


I paced the bathroom like a crackhead.  What the fuck was I going to do?  I closely inspected the toilet seat after flushing down Pizza Hut’s finest.  I got down on my knees.  Staring back at me, reaching up out of the crack, was a single brown ass hair.

I tried to pull it out but the god damn thing but it wouldn’t budge!  This is bad.  Panic.  No more cavalier blow jobs for me!  What do I do?!  What do I do?!  Yea!  Almost done!  Just washing my hands!  Water on.  Resume panic.

And there is was.  My savior.  My way out.  A pink…gently used…women’s…disposable razor.


With a quickness I grabbed the razor and started to shave the toilet seat with a surgeon’s precision.  I’ll get you, you little bastard!  If this hair was the difference between me and more of that sweet oral goodness, I was taking it the fuck out!

Scrape scrape scrape.  Clean as a baby’s ass!

I stroked over the toilet gently feeling the smoothness with a smile.  I sighed knowing full well I may have just saved my penis’ love life.

In my relief I turned around to see…


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Jason William Spencer is a Screenwriter/TV Writer residing in Studio City, right up the hill from Hollywood. His current project is with Zakir Pictures, where he is the Screenwriter for "Opposites Attract," a feature-length drama set to debut Thanksgiving Day, 2015. His feature-length film "To Here Knows When" won Project of the Month on IndieWire and is currently in Pre-Production. He is adapting the short story "All That You Love Will Be Carried Away" by Stephen King into a short film. His TV Pilot, “Hicks,” was featured at the LA Scripted Comedy Festival this year. He's the Screenwriter and Executive Producer for the Short Drama Film “Change of Heart” currently in Pre-Production. He's a Comedy Sketch Writer for ProCo Production Company on He also is currently involved with James Franco's School for the Arts Studio 4 Writing Lab. Jason is currently unrepresented and is actively seeking an Agent and/or Manager. Follow Jason on Twitter @RockChalkSpence and follow his work at