It was a dark and stormy night…no wait. It was a fucking hot night. Sticky as fuck! I was 25. Cool as cool can be, obviously. I was meeting my hot-ass girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Yep. Yep. How ya doing? Nice to meet you. Blah blah. Yea I like school. Bullshit bullshit. Where can I put my stuff?
I had been holding a mean pizza slash hot wing shit in since my afternoon Astronomy class. So there I was, upstairs in an unfamiliar house, trying to figure out where to drop this hot spicy load. There it is! Bathroom! No. No. I’ll be down in a minute.
What a weird looking bathroom? Not trying to be nosy but who fucking uses ass wipes? I’m not a child! Sat down. Sweet relief, “Dumb and Dumber” style. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
My relief was quickly interrupted by a POP. I felt the seat beneath me shift. What the fuck was that?! I looked down in a panic. Staring back at me was a cracked toilet seat. Oh fuck!…No. I’m fine. I’ll be down in a minute!
I paced the bathroom like a crackhead. What the fuck was I going to do? I closely inspected the toilet seat after flushing down Pizza Hut’s finest. I got down on my knees. Staring back at me, reaching up out of the crack, was a single brown ass hair.
I tried to pull it out but the god damn thing but it wouldn’t budge! This is bad. Panic. No more cavalier blow jobs for me! What do I do?! What do I do?! Yea! Almost done! Just washing my hands! Water on. Resume panic.
And there is was. My savior. My way out. A pink…gently used…women’s…disposable razor.
With a quickness I grabbed the razor and started to shave the toilet seat with a surgeon’s precision. I’ll get you, you little bastard! If this hair was the difference between me and more of that sweet oral goodness, I was taking it the fuck out!
Scrape scrape scrape. Clean as a baby’s ass!
I stroked over the toilet gently feeling the smoothness with a smile. I sighed knowing full well I may have just saved my penis’ love life.
In my relief I turned around to see…
Tags : blow job, College, comedy, Girlfriend, Miscellaneous, Parents, poop joke, ramblings, razor, relationship, shameful confessions, toilet seat
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