This one goes out to anyone who is living in an American city that is being overtaken by invaders from the planet Hip; this is for the lonely, who haunt dark corners of mainstream venues secretly watching their favorite unfortunately popular bands; this is for the silent casualties of fashion, who actually want more than a single gear on their bike because it’s freakin’ easier to get up those hills; this is for the few of us who eat GMO food and never talk about it; this is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames of my friends’ bodies, and for everyone who is afraid to admit that they don’t know where that lyric came from.
#1 – Hipster judgmentality:
Every sorry loser who ever ducked to avoid the gaze of a high-school bully seems to now work behind the beard, behind the counter of a Hipster-owned and operated record store, and they are staring at you over the thick black frames of their specs so that they can feel better about themselves.
#2 – The bands don’t actually get that money!*:
Most of the money you spend at a music store goes to the “local” business owner, and research shows that 95% of record stores are owned by invaders from the planet Hip. These “Hip-sters” spend the profits on out-of-state clove-cigarettes and American Apparel apparel and the artists themselves never see a dime.
#3 – Public health hazard:
Someone lives in the apartment above that record store and for every pound of nag-champa that burns, they lose 6 months off their life from lung cancer. Another 6 months for every ounce of Orange Kush that gets blazed in the back room by the vent that opens up into their floor. (The data for Sour Diesel and 5280 were inconclusive).
#4 – Sound quality:
For any Hip-ster reading this, I dare you to do a blind sound test. Find a song of your choice and have a friend play the vinyl version, then the digital version (I know you know about the AUX input). Unless you are a rare true audiophile, the only difference is whether you can hear the crackling of dust from 1971 stuck in the grooves of that LP. Get bent.
#5 – You are not alone:
For every Hip-ster who judges you for buying a song on iTunes or scoring a brand new CD, there are two more people who saw your good deed and are afraid to say anything. Do it for them, the oppressed mainstream.
So if you are one of millions struggling with chronic enjoyment of catchy pop-tunes, it’s time we help each other out of despair. Together, we can tweet pics of our Katy Perry concert tickets. We can be proud of our NOW collection. We never have to get sucked into another discussion of classic vinyl again. Know that there are people worse off than you out there who don’t even know the difference between an LP and a 45. We’re here to help each other.
My name is Alice, and I am a pop-a-holic.
*I have no idea if that’s true.