Posted On December 21, 2015 By In Miscellaneous, Ramblings, Rants

Surgeon General: Turn Signals Added To List of Cancer Culprits


 Surgeon General: Turn Signals Added To List of Cancer Culprits

 The ever-increasing list of activities, behaviors, and objects linked to cancer, which includes, but is not limited to, cell phones, white bread, wheat bread, rye bread, pumpernickel bread, pumpernickel yeast; plastic bags, plastic toilet handles, plastic silverware dividers; cats, dogs, parakeets, cockatoos, tortoises, hamsters; carpet, hardwood, cement foundations, and sleeping on sheets with between zero and 25 million threads, has added a new member for the first time in over two hours: your turn signals. After spearheading the multi-trillion-dollar research initiative for the last three years, scientists under the United States Surgeon General concluded earlier this week that using turn signals in one’s automobile “guarantees that you will catch cancer,” regardless of genetic background or hereditary factors. By monitoring drivers’ levels of cancer before driving and after signaling a turn, the study has confirmed that, of the roughly 25,000 test subjects, each one’s percentage of cancer skyrocketed 100 percent after a simple flip of a switch enabling said driver to alert tailing motorists of his or her intention to round a corner or change lanes. According to experts, this dramatic boom in cancerous cellular activity shows, on average, a 100 percent increase in cancerous cellular growth post-turn-signal, indicating a direct relationship between the two.

But what is the science behind these findings? One is left to wonder on the physiological reasoning for such a seemingly absurd connection. In short, the answer lies in dopamine. Dopamine, the chemical commonly associated with pleasurable experiences – i.e. sex, food, runner’s high – is released via dopamine pathways in the brain when one engages in pleasurable or rewarding experiences. I will label signaling one’s turns as rewarding for the simple fact that it shows that you realize the existence of at least one other driver in your vicinity, and are actually considerate of his or her potential desire to know that you plan on slowing to zero to make a right turn immediately in front of him. Congratulations. You are not a douche. However, “you shouldn’t not be a douche,” urges every researcher in the study; it is has been scientifically proven that overloads of dopamine – i.e. two or more turn signals within any 24-hour period – cause rapid and uncontrollable cellular mitosis, leading to… you guessed it. The Surgeon General himself commented on the physiological validity of this conclusion in a recent press conference, stating, “Yes. This is absolutely true.” The conclusion becomes especially true if you are unfortunate enough to own a vehicle that is not a Lexus, BMW, Audi, Mercedes, or Subaru (in Colorado, Oregon, or Washington state). “We have noticed overwhelmingly that drivers of these particular makes exhibited far and away the lowest likelihood of cancer. Zero likelihood, in fact. It is really quite baffling,” he adds.

Since publishing the results of the study, Lexus’ fourth quarter revenues have skyrocketed more than 5,000 percent over fourth quarter earnings in 2014, thanks entirely to its new campaign: “The Passionate Pursuit of Not Having Cancer.” Talks among company executives have begun recently to eliminate turn signal switches in every single one of its newly manufactured vehicles starting in 2016. “Our customers are much too important to be bothered with that nonsense as it is. With the promise of better health, what the hell is the point of having them at all?” adds its Managing Director. BMW, Audi, Mercedes, and Subaru plan to follow suit.

So the next time you find yourself itching to not be a tool and give someone a heads up on the road, don’t. Remember that you are the only one on the road. Swerve across the road, without signaling, obviously, and buy yourself an AMG. Your body will thank you.

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Mike Burleson gets stupid ideas. These ideas then undergo a hellacious, bootcamp-style initiation, in which the cream of the crop that will make him look the most dumb are sifted out and given a rose. These ideas are uploaded to the Writtalin website for you to make fun of. A narcoleptic some of the time, he enjoys napping around the globe, self-confidence, and geriatric culture. Hailing from the Great Plains outside St. Louis, MO, Mike currently takes up lodging in Denver, and is pinching pennies to one day open a prairie dog farm. Other pastimes that help him to make sense of life include hiking, Seinfeld, watching dogs poop, poop humor, Dick Valentine. Put a little mustard on that mustard!