1. Putting out those “Leave your S.O. for me, he/she can’t love you like I can” songs.
My bae, God’s voice bestowed upon us in human earthly form, Sam Smith has this song called “Leave Your Lover,” which is exactly what it sounds like. Like bruhhhh, why does this trope exist? Of course her man can’t love her like you can, but maybe that’s why she chose to be with him over you? You think you can love her “more,” that’s debatable, but more is not necessarily better. You can put more dressing on a kale salad but it’s still not going to make me leave spinach, for instance. Not to mention, what if this strategy worked? If this girl is the type to leave her boo at the drop of a hat every time some other dude comes crooning along, what would that say about her? Would you really want to be with someone that disloyal?
2. Calling people basic.
OMG stahhhhhpppp nobody caressss who drinks pumpkin spice lattes and wears Uggs. It’s not cute or funny to call people basic anymore, it’s just annoying. Like when your mom’s book club did that Harlem Shake video 6 weeks too late.
3. Pressuring all our friends to get an Instagram
I GOT ONE, OKAY, ARE YOU HAPPY? I still don’t have a single picture on it though, so HA! (You can follow me at sara__f__baby. Two underscores. Give me all the follows). I still don’t believe the hype about it, for what it’s worth.
4. Feeling ashamed that you met your bf/gf/fwb/whatever on Tinder
I’ll say it: it’s not a big deal. Yeah Tinder is pretty sketchy in theory but in practice it’s only as shady as you make it. Like if you bang every person you swipe right without even talking to them or asking if they have an STD or a murder rap, okay, a little dangerous. But if you match and talk to someone for like a week or so and then meet up for pizza or whatever, what’s the shame in that? Tinder is like drinking pumpkin spice lattes: everyone does it, but no one wants to admit it. Don’t drink pumpkin spice lattes? Fine, then. It’s like watching porn. Yeah, I said it.
5. Downloading iTunes updates
I downloaded version 11.975302 last week. Now it’s badgering me to download 11.4. What the difference is between these two versions, I’m not sure even Apple knows. Well, I demand it’s time we take a stand against these unnecessary updates. Not to mention, they’ve come out with approximately 5,000 updates since last year and somehow we still haven’t even made it to version 12 yet. So let’s come together as a society and join behind something that really matters: not downloading those stupid updates past, like, version 11.693283q.