With the New Year approaching, I’ve noticed an uptick in the number of self-help articles appearing on my Facebook Timeline. I wish I could say that I’m not the type of person to get suckered into reading them all, but I am, because I’m a girl and we love to read that crap.
Here’s what I’ve noticed, though—Most of these articles focus on attaining peace and happiness through meditation, weight loss, shopping, and spiritual outings. They feature photos of upbeat-looking women doing yoga, shopping, climbing mountains, eating vegetables and running on beaches. And as great as that all is, let’s be honest—it’s not real life. How many of us really practice daily meditation or run along the ocean on a regular basis?
Shut up. You don’t.
So, I’ve put together my own guide to happiness. It’s much more practical than most of the articles I’ve read (and a bit less G-rated).
May it bring you the fuzziest of feelings.
How To Be Happy in 2014:
-Find great friends. Tell them everything. Bitch and moan to them, and let them do the same.
-If you want to eat chocolate cake, shut the hell up and eat it.
-Pull the stick out of your butt, and stop faking maturity. You know that farts and poop are funny. Fart more. Laugh at poop jokes. Watch some old episodes of Kablam! on YouTube. Stop being serious for a few seconds.
-Do whatever the eff you want.
-If you want to be a cat lady, be a cat lady. If you want to wear Crocs, wear Crocs. If you want to pull out your old Game Boy and challenge your friend to a Pokemon battle even though you’re 25 years old and call yourself an adult, go for it. Everyone’s a little weird. Just own it. And if anyone gives you shit, tell them to eff off.
-Open Tinder and swipe left. Aggressively. Every time you’re frustrated about the opposite sex. Those people will never know you’re rejecting them, but having the power to say “NOPE” feels so damn good.
-Do something new. Learn guitar, run a 5k, go to a pole dancing class…I won’t judge you. Just do something for yourself every now and then.
-Drink wine with your friends and Facebook stalk the crap out of people you used to know in college, then prank phone call each other’s exes.
-Hear people out, but if you think their opinions are effing stupid, blow them off. If someone tells you your clothes are ugly, smile and wear them anyway. If your friends tell you that your dancing sucks, tell them to suck it and pull them onto the dance floor the next time you’re drunk at a party. If your boyfriend tells you that you should lay off the desserts because he’s worried that he’ll end up dating a fatty, kick his ass to the curb. He’s a douchebag and he isn’t worth your time.
Then watch this Kid President video:
And this video of the best news bloopers of 2013:
And if you’re single, watch this video:
And don’t be afraid to laugh at stupid, socially unacceptable shit.