I take pride in my beard. I love growing my facial hair out because it makes me feel manly. Maybe it’s my own version of a lifted truck, but I don’t care. It also keeps my face warm in the winter months, so there’s that. Here are some things that can start to get annoying about having a beard once you realize that they’re going to happen over and over again regardless of where you are.
1. Things get stuck in your beard.
Namely food, but you’d be surprised how much else can get caught in a nest of facial hair. I have actually found strands of other people’s hair in my beard before. Slightly weird, and a little shocking, but it’s happened nonetheless. Dirt, animal hair, leaves, grass, and other things can also become entangled in certain situations. Like if you’re playing football with friends outside during Thanksgiving, and you fall face down into a pile of leaves. Just make sure that the people you’re playing with are cool enough to let you know that you have all the colors of fall stuck to your face before you go back inside to eat with everybody else.
2. Other dudes LOVE your beard.
…To the point that it’s almost weird sometimes. Some guys just don’t know how to control their urges when they suddenly find themselves in the company of someone who appears to be more masculine than they are. They result to borderline comments about how your beard makes their parts feel. While I have no problem with the occasional crack about someone’s sexuality simply because I’m secure enough in myself to not really care, I have gotten some pretty weird comments about my facial hair from dudes. Jealousy runs deep in some males, and in the words of the philosopher Jay Z, “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait.” Simmer down, bros.
3. Girls HATE your beard.
And the one girl that loves it is just weird. Or she’s like only in town for the next week and then she’s leaving with her friends to backpack through Europe for a year and will most likely end up becoming a gypsy, therefore rendering her useless to you. Girls will constantly point out how you look better without a beard (a hint toward the fact that they stalked your Facebook profile pictures back to when you were in 6th grade and couldn’t grow hair on your balls, much less your face) and try to get you to shave it, only for them to find out – in my case at least – that you have a horrible baby face that makes them feel like a pedophile when and if they actually decide to kiss you, which makes for an awkward and disappointing end to things, considering the fact that you now have to spend all that time to grow your facial hair out again.
4. People instantly judge you.
Let’s face it, no matter how you dress or carry yourself, you look either look like you drive a Harley Davidson to work every day – or to a narcotics drop armed to the teeth with a bunch of other dudes on motorcycles – or you shop exclusively at Whole Foods and don’t eat anything unless you’ve actually been to the farm that came from. Beards have started to gain an unfair notoriety in our society today, but it’s something that you’re just going to have to live with if you want to look like a man.
5. The awkward phase.
Anyone who has grown their facial hair out past a five o’clock shadow knows exactly what I’m talking about. There’s a period where it looks like your face really doesn’t know that it’s doing, and everyone just kind of stares at you because you look like a crackhead who found a razor and tried to shave but had a seizure in the middle of doing it. For those of you who are in this phase as you read this, persevere my friend. The hard times will pass and you will soon be amongst the company of champions.
All in all, the whole experience is worth it. If you have taken the time and effort to grow your facial hair out into a magnificent specimen of a beard, then please don’t get rid of it. Take care of it. Take pride in it. When people try to belittle you because of it, just shrug it off and know that they wish that they could have what you have. It takes a special man to grow a good beard, so rock it. For all the downsides, there are countless upsides. May your manliness know no bounds.
Be sure to follow me on Twitter at @itscorben.