There’s nothing like a nice cocktail after a long day. There are hundreds of cocktail recipes out there, classics like Cosmos and Old Fashioneds, and then more obscure cocktails, like the ones below. Let’s be honest, not everyone keeps bitters on hand. We’re not all born bartenders. These cocktails are more practical, more convenient. Here are the essential cocktail recipes for everyday life.
The Bad Day
What You’ll Need: Vodka, anger, a desperate desire to numb it all.
Directions: Pour vodka directly into your throat. Wince. Ask yourself if you can still feel feelings. If the answer is yes, keep drinking. If the answer is no, turn on Bravo.
The Poor Self-Esteem
What You’ll Need: Jose Cuervo, Orange Juice, a ‘NOW That’s What I Call Music’ CD from the mid-90’s.
Directions: Pour Jose Cuervo into a glass, fill up about halfway. Add a splash of OJ, then mix with your finger. Add ice cubes. Enjoy while listening to the CD and crying.
The Slutty Friday
What You’ll Need: That Triple Sec you have that you don’t remember buying, Angry Orchard Hard Cider that’s been in your fridge since last November, Stoli Vanilla.
Directions: On a Friday night when you are really just looking to get some, mix equal parts Triple Sec, Angry Orchard, and Stoli Vanilla. It may taste terrible, but it’s fine. This fun cocktail is the equivalent of if they sold Beer Goggles at Wet Seal. Drink up and get yours.
The Hell Yeah
What You’ll Need: Jack Daniels, Natty Ice
Directions: Take shots of Jack Daniels and chase with Natty Ice. You’ll immediately be possessed by the spirit of a Frat Bro who will yell repeatedly, “Hell Yeah!”
The Reluctant Adult
What You’ll Need: Capri Sun, Captain Morgan
Directions: Remove straw from the back of the Capri Sun. Now, carefully, at an angle, puncture the Capri Sun. This may take a few tries. It’s extremely difficult. Ninjas even struggle with this. Follow sips of Capri Sun with shots of the rum while watching cartoons.