I am in a transition phase. One where I’m not single, but I’m not in a relationship either.
This means that I do not want a boyfriend, or someone exclusive, or a relationship for a long, long time. I am at that point in my life where I actually need to focus on me. I barely came out of my last relationship in one piece so I need to work on putting myself back together, and figuring out who I am.
It is for this reason, and this reason only, that I am perfectly, 100% okay with the fact that my friends with benefits relationship will go absolutely nowhere.
All I have ever really experienced are a couple of serious relationships lasting a year or two, which means that all I know are the words “committed” and “monogamous.”
So when my supposed perfect relationship came to an end (by my doing) last October, I decided that I needed to stay far, far away from words like “serious,” “committed,” and “monogamous” for a long time. Guys in second, third or even fourth year at university just weren’t interested in that sort of thing right now. That’s when I chose to join Tinder, and indulge in several casual dates. As mentioned in previous articles, I went on thirteen Tinder dates, and one of the guys is still around today—who I am calling Lucas, for article references.
I suppose you could say that we’ve defined our relationship awhile ago. For just over two months, we have been “friends with benefits.” Since I had never done casual in my life, this was completely brand new to me. It was exciting and terrifying, I will admit. It was also sometimes hard to set the boundaries, and figure out what was okay and what wasn’t. However, for about two months though, I was absolutely kicking ass at keeping things casual, and keeping my heart out of it. In fact, I was perfectly content with what our relationship was—and I didn’t want a thing more.
But then something happened.
One night while we were having sex and were seeing each other for the first time since a three-week-long winter break, my heart marched right into the bedroom and ruined everything.
I had absolutely no idea what to do with these newfound feelings—especially since they were feelings I didn’t want.
It wasn’t like I realized how I felt and I fantasized about how we would soon fall in love and have a beautiful relationship together.
It was more like, “Fuck. What have I done? This isn’t what I want. I need to get rid of these feelings, like, yesterday.”
You see, I am still dealing with quite serious aftermaths from my previous relationship, and am in no state to start loving or dating someone else.
How could I possibly be in a relationship with someone when I didn’t even know who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed for that matter?
That’s exactly why these feelings were terrible.
They weren’t going to lead anywhere positive. And even if they were reciprocated (which they aren’t), I made it very clear to myself (and him) that I didn’t want a relationship. Basically, I wanted nothing more than what we already had. So I had to somehow get rid of my unwanted feelings—and fast.
Our relationship is not going to turn into something romantic, unlike Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, or even Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. My life isn’t a Hollywood movie which means that my relationships aren’t dictated by a hopelessly romantic-written script. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay.
I never thought that I could be a person to do casual, and accept it for what it is. It never seemed to go with who I was, or what I wanted out of a relationship. But I’m in sort of a transition phase—where I’m over my last boyfriend but not quite ready to get back out there. So my transition is Lucas. My transition is a friends with benefits relationship that will not end up happily ever after. But that’s okay—and it feels insanely empowering to admit that.