It’s our anniversary but I’m experiencing it without you. August 18th marks the day we parted ways; you for a destination that people consider to be a “better place,” and me to a place that I have not found yet. I hope your taste buds are delighting in a huge bowl of ice cream right now because that was our sacred ritual. Honestly, ice cream makes everything better; if only we could be savoring each bite with one another the way we used to do.
Our separation was one of deep sorrow and grief, but I knew you couldn’t fight anymore. You never gave up because you were fighting for me. You were fighting for us all. But some matches take it out of us, and you gave all that there was left to give. You were the feistiest woman I knew, with the spirit of a warrior and a smile that changed the dynamic of a room. All summed up in one-you were my mother.
You said I would be okay without you here, and I believed you for a while. Eventually I learned that I needed you more than anyone thought possible. After your departure to a place beyond the clouds, I prayed for you to help me through the pain, but those went unanswered. The Devil even danced with me for a bit to tempt me with some type of salvation, but even he said I needed a soul before he could work his magic. Limbo was the place I called home for so long because Heaven nor Hell wanted me. To be honest, I don’t know if I even wanted myself.
Days roll into nights that eventually turn into weeks that you are no longer by my side. It’s been two years now since I’ve held your hand and said “I love you” the way daughters and mothers do so often. My love was sent on Angel’s Wings the minute you took your last breath. You comfort me in my dreams, occasionally they’re nightmares, but there were nights that I didn’t know the difference.
You let go before you wanted me to believe. You didn’t want me to see you struggle, so you hid your pain behind smiles and humor. Our hearts were filled with the memories we created through the years with the hope of making more on this journey called life. I kept holding on, but I knew the end was near.
We finally let go together when you touched my face for the last time in the hospital. Words were unnecessary at that point because that moment was too pure. You smiled with tears in your eyes knowing that would be the last time you look at your daughter. I smiled back as I could physically feel my heart shatter. We said good-bye forever shortly after.
I am taking steps towards my future and I’ve left the depths of Limbo behind. Your visions for me reached far beyond the stars and moon. And yes, I plan on reaching them, if not for me, then for you. You had faith in me. I have faith in me now too. My future looks uncertain but exhilarating; you just won’t meet it with me. This anniversary was created because we parted ways too soon. Don’t worry though- I’ll be celebrating the memory of us now.