Posted On February 24, 2014 By In Lifestyle, Miscellaneous

Poke Your Dermis: The Fun Parts (Piercing, Part 2)


My last post might have gotten you started on some thoughts for piercings, maybe in addition to my previous musings on tattoos. Hopefully I’ve shed some light on the deal-io with common body modifications and I didn’t send you running. That part about infections was pretty fucking gnarly, though. Anyway, today I aim to poke into some more touchy areas (see what I did there?). Incidentally, do you think I use parentheses too much?

Unlike tattoos, you get second-chances with piercings. You can always take them out. Here is one decision you can make while intoxicated in a tattoo studio (don’t tell them) and then change your mind the next morning. I’ve had at least 17 holes poked in me by professionals, and literally hundreds of other pricks (yes, “literally” hundreds) under less recommendable circumstances. Unless you have a really good eye or I happen to be naked, you would never know it. Bonus: If you want to see me naked…well, never mind. I strongly encourage trial and error. You can put one almost anywhere and then take it out with virtually no ill effects. That “almost” is something I’m going to cover right meow.


No, I’m kidding, I’m going to touch on the genitals a little later on down this page. I just wanted to get you excited in the bathroom or at your desk or wherever you’re reading this. I’m sorry. I am a child. What I want to go over right now are some myths.

A Limp Licker:

Nope. You are not about to lose all control over your tongue. I don’t care where you slam that spike in your weird lingual muscle, you will not render it useless. The reason that tongues are pierced off-center is not because there is some nerve or vein that needs to be avoided, it’s because of your frenulum—-that thin piece of tissue that attaches your licker to the bottom of your cake-hole. The tongue can take a stab almost anywhere other than through there. It’s just impractical. You can get lots of tongue piercings, too: one on each side, a row in the middle, one that goes horizontal, whatever. There is also a “heavier” body-mod called splitting where the tongue is cut in half vertically from the tip to where the frenum attaches. Yup, you can get a snake-slurper if you want it, and if you can learn to wiggle each side independently you will be invaluable with the ladies.

Who wants a mustache ride?

Who wants a mustache ride?

The Limp Biscuit:

Negative. Like the tongue, the penis can take a jab pretty much wherever and you aren’t going to lose sensation, mobility, agility, or hostility. Again, the reason that a Prince Albert (the classic ring at the tip) is sometimes pierced off-center is simply because of the frenulum (yup, same word, different location). It’s that flappy skin running down the middle of your shaft, pal. I’m serious, look for it… Do it. If you are in the bathroom, I hope you looked. In all seriousness though, you can pierce right smack-dab in the central pecker if there’s room between the frenum and the cleft in the corona of the glans (oh fuck yeah, terminology). That area is called the frenular delta (I think. I’m no Bill Nye). You can go ahead and pierce the frenulum, too, while you’re there. I’m actually, truly, honestly looking at a Prince Albert in vivo at this moment that goes through the exact middle of the shaft and it seems to be functioning juuuust fine.

Prince Albert probably had nothing to do with this.

Prince Albert probably had nothing to do with this.

Endless Orgasms:

Alas, not so…maybe. This one, as much as I have tried to find proof for and against, I’m not sure on. I know of several cases where a piercing has increased sensitivity, even uncomfortably so, but things will go back to normal if you take the jewelry out. As for having constant gushing orgasms while sitting on the bus, well, it doesn’t hurt to try.

Okay, Here You Go:

Since we are talking about the nether-regions, let’s brush up on our genitals. Man, the puns just write themselves, don’t they? There are probably more options for genital piercings than you realize. Didos, Prince Alberts, Apadravyas, hood piercings, labia, gooch, Prince’s Wand (way cool), chastity piercings, sub-dermal implants…the list goes on and on. You might as well start googling (never has that verb seemed more appropriate). Just know that the healing process is uber-critical once you go down there. Be safe. Some of these, like anything going through the urethra, will go on your PERMANENT RECORD. As in, they will slightly alter your anatomy forever. For. Ev. Er. Gents, if you get a PA, prepare to sit down to pee for the rest of your life. Secret: it’s not that bad, girls do it all the time.

Oh man, oh man. Have I gone too far? Let’s wrap it up (they just keep cumming!).

My little Stabby Stab-stab McStabbersons, the world of body modification is enormous and colorful. It is a veritable wonderland of exotic (and erotic) experimentation; pain, pleasure, art, spirituality, sloppy nights twice shit-faced in your friend’s kitchen with a safety pin and a ball-point pen (another Front Bottoms reference, anyone?). Your body is a temple, right? And temples are meant to be decorated. Go poke your dermis, people (I’m giving you permission to use that euphemism for masturbation). Piercings are like buffets – a pleasure to peruse.

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