If you’re a dude, then premature ejaculation has probably been a problem for you at some point in your life. If it hasn’t been, bully for you, I guess, you triumphant and lucky bastard.
I used to have mad premature ejaculation problems. (And I’m perpetually looking over my shoulder, for fear that my three-pump-dump tendencies will return with a vengeance.) There were times in my high school and early college days when I would occasionally avoid sexual encounters with women because I was so frightened of completely embarrassing myself. This was, of course, before I discovered the benefits of alcohol regarding sexual longevity.
When I was popping one off way too quickly, I thought a lot about how I could prevent it from happening. (While simultaneously doing as many kegels as I could—an exercise that allegedly helps.)
One way that occasionally worked was by my thinking, mid-coitous, of whack shit that would tamp my arousal, at least momentarily. It may seem stupid to think about things other than your partner during sex, and it seems even more bizarre that you would think about things that would deter you from fully enjoying the experience, but embarassing times call for fucked up measures.
For the premature ejaculators out there, I made you a list of thoughts that may aid you in lasting a few seconds or minutes more. I hope they help you, if you need it.
- A scorpion using its tail to sting your nugget pouch. While you eat lima beans.
- Manu Ginobili dunking on your head when you are 10 years younger than him and eight inches taller. And millions of people are watching and laughing at you.
- Your older brother (or simply someone larger than you) choke-slamming you through a ping pong table.
- Your parents making out in the bedroom where you grew up. And talking dirty to each other while doing so.
- Your grandparents making one of your parents while your other set of grandparents films it.
- Taking a cattle-prod to your dick, repeatedly, on higher settings each time.
- Imagine what it would feel like to slather Icy Hot all over your scrotum. (Not good. Trust me. The choke-slamming brother coerced me into trying it when we were adolescents.)
- Gary Busey shouting a Chipotle order at you in six different languages.
- Going to church or Sunday school except without the pretty, dressed-up girls present. And the priest performing the service is kind of creepy (natch).
- Pretend that everything the girl you’re with says is said in the voice of Scott Stapp, lead singer for Creed.
- Imagine that Greg Popovich and Bobby Knight are simultaneously commentating your sexual prowess. And both are critical as ever. Also, they are naked.
- Pretend you are playing soccer and were slide-tackled directly in the testicles by a dude wearing cleats.
- Imagine that for the rest of your life the only thing you’re allowed to eat are salads, and that you can only use the healthy dressing, like balsamic vinaigrette or whatever.
- Picture thousands of hairy taints, post-workout, separated from bodies and animating in the dark of the night and coming to get you while you sleep.
- Count sheep as though you were attempting to fall asleep, except each of the sheep you count has a rubber band tied securely around his nuts, which will eventually fall off due to lack of circulation.
- Imagine what it would be like to take the SATs, with your entire future hanging in the balance, while you are on molly.
- Picture your high school basketball coach screaming violently at you in a belittling way about something that is much less important than the sexual encounter you currently find yourself in the midst of. (You’ll feel yourself wilt as you begin to wonder why you ever wanted to impress this man. You guys know what I’m talking about, right? RIGHT?!)
- Imagine what it would be like to place your junk in a glory hole, only to have it slammed shut in a copy of the Book of Mormon. By a Mormon.
- Picture Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, banging your girlfriend and then stealing everything you have ever loved.
- Pretend you are having dinner with the Kardashian family and that for each bite you take you must lob some sort of compliment at one of its members. And if they don’t feel you’re being sincere, you have to kiss either Bruce or Kris Jenner.
- Picture Wolf Blitzer giving you a mustache ride while Nancy Grace sings a Celine Dion song.
- Imagine yourself in a well and Buffalo Bill is urging you to put the lotion in the basket or else you’ll get the hose again.
- Remind yourself that no matter what you do in this world, it will never get as much attention at a single Kim Kardashian post to Instagram.
- Start to think seriously about your financial insecurity.
- Before going into the bedroom, think up a premise of a story that you will be starring in. When you come close to coming, begin playing out the story in your head.