Posted On January 29, 2014 By In Advice For Women, Girlzone

A Super Bowl Viewing Guide For Female Football Newbies

 
 

Dear Women,

Super Bowl Sunday is almost here!! For those of you who plan on watching the game but lack football knowledge, read up!

I won’t insult your intelligence by pretending there’s a single person out there that doesn’t understand that the objective of the game of football is to get the ball down the field and into the end zone. But let me explain a few aspects of the game that may be confusing to football newbies.

The VERY basic objective.

The VERY basic objective.

The yellow line:

Upon receiving the ball, each team’s offense has four attempts to move the ball ten or more yards down the field, in the direction of the end zone. The yellow line that you see across the field marks the end of the 10 yard section that the offense has to cover.  If the offense is able to get beyond that line in four attempts or fewer, they receive a first down and get another four chances to move ten more yards down the field. You’ll also notice a guy holding a pole with a number on the side of the field. That number represents which attempt (1-4) the offense is currently on.

Analyze this picture carefully.

Analyze this picture carefully.

 

The offense:

The offense is led by a team’s quarterback (QB). He’s the guy that gets handed/tossed a ball from between another dude’s legs at the beginning of every play. The quarterback will either hand the ball off to another player, allowing him to run with it, or throw the ball to a player down the field, hoping to gain bigger yardage (and move the ball closer to the end zone). Meanwhile, the big guys in front of the QB will block the other team’s defense from getting close too close to the QB. If they do their job correctly, the QB will thank them for their efforts with steak dinners, alcohol, gaming consoles, and other manly gifts.

The offensive line is doing its job when the QB doesn't get touched.

The offensive line is doing its job when the QB doesn’t get touched.

 

Fun Fact: Thanks to the NFL’s contract with Nike, white football pants have become see-through when wet. Denver will be wearing the white pants at this Super Bowl, so keep an eye out for some butts.

 

The defense:

The defense is made up of a group of thick-looking men whose goal is to either tackle the other team’s quarterback before he can throw the ball, or tackle the person that receives the ball before he can get a first down. These guys can also try to prevent an offensive player from catching a ball and attempt to intercept the ball, allowing their team to take over possession.

These guys - the Seahawks' Defense - will try to stop Peyton Manning and the Broncos' offense

These guys – the Seahawks’ Defense – will try to stop Peyton Manning and the Broncos’ offense

 

Kicking the ball:

There are basically four times when you’ll see someone kicking the football:
1. When one team is kicking the ball to the other team so that they can take over possession (a kickoff).

2. When the team that’s just scored a touchdown is attempting to kick the ball through the goal posts for one point (an extra point).

3. When a team has just made its third unsuccessful attempt at getting past the yellow first down line and is attempting to kick the ball through the goal posts for 3 points (a field goal).

4. When a team has just made its third unsuccessful attempt at getting past the yellow first down line and are not close enough to kick a field goal, they dropkick the ball to give it back to the other team (a punt).

This is a field goal. Good for three points.

This is a field goal. Good for three points.

Fun Fact: The Super Bowl is the best day of the year for advertisements. So don’t touch the remote. At any point. For any reason.

 

Touchdowns and extra points:

A touchdown is worth 6 points and occurs when an offensive player either carries the ball into the end zone or catches the ball while inside the end zone. After a touchdown occurs, the scoring team has the option to kick the ball through the goal posts for 1 more point, or have the QB pass or hand the ball off to a player who will put it in the end zone for 2 extra points. If the kicker fails to get the ball through the goal posts or the team isn’t able to run or pass the ball back into the end zone, they’re shit out of luck and get 0 extra points.

Even after a touchdown, teams have a choice to make.

Even after a touchdown, teams have a choice to make.

 

Miscellaneous:

The game itself is broken up into four 15-minute quarters, with a break after the first two quarters. That’s when Bruno Mars gets to sing or Janet Jackson gets to flash her nipples. Of course, due to commercial breaks, timeouts, injuries, etc. the quarters actually last more than 15 minutes each, so just calm down and drink your beer. The game will be a while.

 

Don't miss the halftime show, you never know what could happen!

Don’t miss the halftime show, you never know what could happen!

Fun Fact: It isn’t even socially acceptable not to be a fatass on Super Bowl Sunday. According to the National Chicken Council, 1.23 billion chicken wings are consumed on that day each year. So you should probably join in. And watch this video if you want to be fancy:

…Or just be a mess like me.

 

Names to know:

Peyton Manning (18, DEN): Denver Broncos quarterback. This is Manning’s 16th NFL season and his third Super Bowl appearance. The dude’s a great quarterback and there will be a hell of a lot of people rooting for him.

Knowshon Moreno (27, DEN): Broncos running back (RB). Possibly the best draft choice I made this fantasy season. He runs the ball. And catches the ball. And picks up yardage like a boss.

Eric Decker (87, DEN): Broncos wide receiver (WR). He’s a great player and a great route-runner. He’s done well for Denver this season. He’s also pretty good looking.

-Julius Thomas (80, DEN): Broncos tight end (TE). He’s a reliable target in the red zone and he’s great at breaking tackles. He’s also a former basketball player, and all women love men who are multi-talented.

Russell Wilson (3, SEA): Seattle Seahawks QB. This will be his first Super Bowl appearance. He’s a young gun. I wish I could say he was cute…but he’s mostly just athletic.

Marshawn Lynch (24, SEA): Seahawks RB. He’s a beast. That is all.

Golden Tate (81, SEA): Seahawks WR. I have a sick mind and always mispronounce his last name. He led his team in catches this season and is sure to make a few more this game.

 

Peyton Manning and Russell Wilson are the QBs  in this game.

Peyton Manning and Russell Wilson are the QBs in this game.

 

…And if you still can’t bring yourself to care, but want to hang out with your boyfriend on Superbowl Sunday, you can always get some tips from Cosmo’s guide to being basic.

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Shannon Folsom is a writer for Writtalin. She is a recent graduate of The University of Maine with a B.S. in Psychology and an unofficial MA in Snow Fort Design. A former national pageant titleholder and fantasy football champion, Shannon often wonders whether she belongs in the Girlzone or the Manzone, but always accepts her position in the Friendzone. Her interests include cooking, singing, traveling, working out, taking ugly selfies, and downloading funny cat pictures. Give her some of your tots. You can contact Shannon at: [email protected]

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