It’s been a rough two years, boys and girls. You see, I finally found out that these girls I loved didn’t love me back, after all. It was a slow, painful realization that the objects of my affection wanted to commit themselves to other men instead of me. Tragic.
Yup, in the last two trips ’round the sun, I had to face facts and realize that I would never marry Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, or Mila Kunis. It was brutal.
First, Natalie – the epitome of class and poise – got knocked up by some Frenchie foo-foo dancer BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED. Seriously, Natalie? I mistook you for a classy girl, and you broke my heart. And then you married the dude to save face? Yeah, you’re dead to me, Natalie.
Then came Keira. Ah, Keira. The object of 93.6% of my past celebrity fantasies. Shit, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for Keira Knightley – especially when she was wearing that kickass pirate hat. But alas, we were not meant to be. In 2013, Keira married some douchebag musician who I am seriously better looking than. What the hell, Keira? We could’ve been together.
So, it seemed Mila Kunis was my last hope. Mila dated that albino junkie Macaulay Culkin, after all. I had to have a chance! But no, Mila pulled a Natalie fucking Portman and got knocked up by Ashton fucking Kutcher out of wedlock. You feel that, Mila? That’s me hip-checking you off the pedestal you once stood upon, you skank.
Heartbreakers…
There have been many dark days after realizing that it was not meant to be with Natalie, Keira, and Mila. But I finally came out of my dark place and found some solace. How, you ask? By finding new celebrities that are a 10/10 on the wifeability scale!
What does it take for a celebrity to be legitimately wifeable? Well, it’s a complex algorithm based on five factors, ranked from 1-10:
===== The Wifeability Scale =====
Factor 1 – Looks: She must be “girl next door hot.” You know, as opposed to “Megan Fox hot” or “Candace Swanepoel hot” or “Sasha Grey hot.”
*Perfect historical example: Natalie Portman, circa 2010.
Factor 2 – Class & Eligibility: She must be unmarried and must possess a womb that has never been subjected to pregnancy or abortion. You must be pretty certain she’s slept with under 50 dudes. Sex tapes = auto-disqualification.
*Perfect historical example: Carrie Underwood, circa 2009.
Factor 3 – Personality: She must have a sparkling personality, and an irresistible charm.
*Perfect historical example: Keira Knightley, circa 2010.
Factor 4 – Talent: She must have something going for her other than JUST looks.
*Perfect historical example: Danica Patrick, circa 2006.
Factor 5 – Intangibles: She must NEVER have dated Justin Bieber, Kanye West, or other douchebags of a similar degree.
*Perfect historical example: Anyone who hasn’t dated a giant D-Bag.
==========
So, which celebrity ladies ended up as my most-wifeable bachelorettes? Here you go…
Perfection: Jennifer Lawrence
Looks: (8 Natalie Portmans)
Jennifer is the girl next door you always dreamed of; she’s cool, she’s hot, she’s funny.
Class & Eligibility: (8 Carrie Underwoods)
With no known pregnancies, abortions, dumpster babies, or sex tapes, J-Law scores high.
Personality: (10 Keira Knightleys)
Is there any celebrity chick you’d like to get a beer with more than Jennifer Lawrence? There is not.
Talent: (9 Danica Patricks)
They don’t give out Academy Awards for participation and effort. Talent.
Intangibles: (-0 Kanye Wests)
If J-Law has dated a confirmed toolbag, she’s done a good job hiding it.
Total Score: 35 points.
I’ll Propose Right Now: Camilla Luddington
Looks: (10 Natalie Portmans)
Okay, I have a weakness for British girls, but Camilla might be the most gorgeous woman alive right now. And she looks like she could live next door.
Class & Eligibility: (8 Carrie Underwoods)
No skeletons in the closet here. No husbands, no fiances, no babies.
Personality: (9 Keira Knightleys)