I once took a quiz for a psychology class that was supposed to test how addictive your personality is. The results were basically like: “DO NOT TRY DRUGS YOU HAVE A SUPER ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY AND YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE.”
I took that quiz long after I had already become hopelessly devoted to the beautiful bitter sweetness that is coffee. It’s pretty much been confirmed: I’m addicted. My family knows. My friends know. My acquaintances know. Complete strangers know. They accept it.
In case you’re wondering about what life is like for a little ole addict like me, here they are: 35 Confessions of a Coffee Addict.
1. Yes, I need my coffee every morning.
2. No, you shouldn’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee in the morning.
3. I drink multiple cups of coffee per day at all times of the day.
4. I DON’T TAKE SUGAR.
5. Hot or iced: they’re both beautiful. Don’t discriminate.
6. Not all coffee is created equally, but I will probably drink it all.
7. Parents. Grandparents. Siblings. Friends. Boyfriends. They all know how I take my coffee.
8. This shows me they care.
9. There are three different Keurig machines in my life right now.
10. They are all special to me in their own way.
11. One of them was a birthday gift.
12. I routinely get boxes of coffee as holiday/birthday gifts.
13. I also routinely get mugs (travel and regular).
14. I own a coffee-scented pen.
15. I own a coffee bracelet.
16. I have used a press pass to get free coffee.
17. It was at a coffee trade show.
18. It was paradise.
19. I have lied to get free coffee.
20. People know that they can bribe me with coffee.
21. People HAVE bribed me with coffee.
22. When other people buy/offer to buy me coffee it touches me deeply.
23. I have rewritten the words of the “Happy” song so that it’s now the “Coffee” song.
24. Know what else is good? Coffee-flavored alcohol. And coffee with alcohol in it.
25. And anything coffee-flavored.
26. But it’s not as good as actual coffee.
27. I have gotten headaches from not drinking coffee.
28. I have gotten the shakes from drinking too much coffee.
29. I have written poems about coffee.
30. I have laid down on the floor in defeat and despair and people have made coffee to comfort me.
31. I have shed tears of joy over a cup of coffee.
32. I reevaluate my relationships/friendships with people who say they don’t like coffee.
33. I have fallen asleep drinking coffee.
34. I once calculated how many cups of coffee I would have to drink to die by caffeine (89).
35. Sometimes I fight with coffee but overall we’re very happy together.
Cheers, fellow caffeine addicts.