Posted On November 12, 2014 By In Girlzone, Lifestyle

The Conversations We Hate Having


1. Your weekend plans in the kitchen with your co-worker whose name you forget, but whose mustache crumbs you always remember.

The necessity to construe a wholesome response before 8am because having morning sex and eating ramen twice in bed isn’t an acceptable answer to a person who is supposed to regard you professionally is irritating. And if you decided to make toast instead of cereal on that Friday you must engage further while he makes poor over-coffee talk about how fast weekends go by. And how it’s supposed to rain. And how cozy that will be. And are you going to watch the game? And do you know what time the meeting is at? And wouldn’t it be great if weekends were actually three days always? Can’t a girl butter her bread in silence?



2. Your Sexual Activity (or lack of)

This one only happens at the gynecologist’s office or with your very vaginally-nosey friends. When was the last time you had unprotected sex? Could you be pregnant? Could you have a STD? Why not? Your last boyfriend was a virgin? Are you still together? Have you had any partners since? How many? There’s nothing that makes you feel more like a bottom scum feeder of the semen world than a brief run-through of your sexual history before a stranger in scrubs tickles your uterus with a colossal q-tip.



3. Defining The Relationship (through a third party)

To be polite you might introduce the man you’ve been dating to your manager at a Halloween party when you all happen to be eating pizza around the same corner. “Is this your boyfriend?” He will ask after he shakes the man’s hand and before he takes a bite of room temperature pizza. You have been wondering that yourself and don’t know what to say. And as your face turns red and the back of your knees start sweating your manager will turn to the man your dating and ask, “Are you her boyfriend?” The man your dating will nod. Boom. Relationship defined through a third party at a Halloween party and you didn’t even get a stupid T-shirt.



4. How traveling by Megabus was to your friend that just returned from a resort vacation in Fiji.

This is the conversation where you are judged for taking Megabus and your only opportunity to convince your audience that it was totally worth the cheap ticket and that the journey was comfortable and carefree and actually not full of socially scary and possible runaway convict sorts of people who watched you eat two full packages of sour candy before 10am. Don’t forget to mention that the blue toilet water definitely didn’t splash your ass when you went over a bump because no one cares about interstate five.



5. Explaining Break-Ups to the emotionally tactless at birthday dinners.

It always begins with them asking how he is. Good, you tell them. (You think). You’re actually not sure because you broke up and haven’t spoken in weeks. They ask what happened. You can choose to say it was amicable. You can choose to tell them he was a pussy. Or you can choose to tell them you wanted to have threesomes and he wasn’t into it. Or that he is actually having sexual relations with men these days and focusing on his embroidery business. Whatever it is, you’re guaranteed to be thinking about it for the next hour or so until your co-worker comes over and asks you what you’re doing that weekend.

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Equally lovely and ferocious in nature, Allyson Darling resides in San Francisco. She writes nonfiction essays about sex, relationships, and pantries (and sometimes about having sex in pantries).