No more beanbag chairs and using paper towels to dry off after a shower (if you haven’t tried that ever, you should), it is 2014 and you need to get your shit together. This is a list of things that you should own as an adult male, that is, unless your New Year’s Resolution was to “Live Life Like a Character from Workaholics.” Buying secondhand is fine, I don’t really care how you get it done. But I am sick of going to a friend’s house and being offered a fucking keg to sit on.
As an adult male, you should probably own:
– A vacuum and/or a decent broom and dust-pan combo, and the know-how of how to properly use them.
– A nice set of linens, including but not limited to bath towels, hand towels and bed sheets. No prints, you aren’t a child (no matter how much candy you collected last year at Halloween).
– A set of wine glasses THAT MATCH. Wine = Sexy, you dummy.
– At least a decent couch, stains negate a high price tag. You get bonus points if you have a nice coffee table.
– TOILET PAPER (SINGLE PLY DOES NOT COUNT).
– Hand soap in the kitchen and bathroom, it lets people know that you live a life of luxury. Luxury = Sex.
– Cutlery that you didn’t steal from different restaurants. It needs to match. If you steal a full set from one restaurant that will probably work. But you definitely should not go to that restaurant anymore.
– A full disc set of The Wire, because it is the greatest show ever made and blows that stupid fucking Breaking Bad out of the water.
– A decent set of cookware AND the skill set to make 2 dishes (preferably dinner).
Boom. You’re welcome. Enact all of these and enjoy the immediate improvement of quality of life. This is that 2014 Future Shit.