What I am about to share with you is mind-blowing, potentially lifesaving, inside information. But I’m going to premise it with a well-known fact: Women are goddamn stalkers.
Don’t chastise us for it. I’m pretty sure that having a borderline-obsessive curiosity about everyone around us is just in our nature. Reality television thrives off of our intrinsic love of gossip and drama. Women want to know what the eff is up with everyone else at all times. That includes celebrities, coworkers, friends, and basically every attractive guy within a 10,000 mile radius. So, if you ever hope to form a half-decent relationship with a woman, there’s just some shit you need to know.
Crazy things women do:
–Stalk the crap out of your Facebook.
Women’s ability to gather information about you via Facebook is next-level. I guarantee that most women can pass judgment on your taste in music, television and movies, find out who your ex is, and dig up your most embarrassing photos in 15 minutes or less.
Private profile? No problem—They’ll just click on your friend’s page and scan through his albums for incriminating pictures. Also, women will take note of every girl in your profile pics, visit their Facebook pages, and judge them. So, when you introduce them to your friend Christie, they already know her.
-Memorize your passwords.
Okay, if you’re smart, you haven’t actually shared your password with the person you’re seeing, unless you’ve been together for a REALLY long time. BUT if you happened to leak that password, just be aware that women realize that most men tend to use the same password for all of their accounts.
So there you go. She just checked your Facebook messages and read your DMs, and if you haven’t been a good boy then you, my friend, are effed.
-Monitor your Top 3 on Snapchat.
Ope, did your ex just move up into your Top 3? Probably just kill yourself now before you drown in a puddle of your girlfriend’s tears.
–Check out the tweets you’ve favorited.
You can imagine what women are looking for here: Disrespectful tweets, tweets about breakups, tweets posted by exes, cryptic quotes that they can twist around and interpret in the worst possible way. So, be careful what you favorite. That shit’s public.
– Take note of when you open a text message.
….Easy solution here: TURN YOUR FRIGGIN READ RECEIPTS OFF, NEWB.
-Scan through the photos you’ve liked on Instagram.
Okay, most women aren’t going to get upset about you liking the occasional celebrity butt pic, but you’ve crossed the line when you start liking sexy pictures of women that you actually know. And you should probably just completely stay away from the use of emojis in your IG comments, unless you want to get yourself in a reeeaaaal freakin pickle.
So, as a woman, why am I revealing this information?
Because I care about you. Because I want to give you the heads-up you need in order to avoid women’s passive-aggressive forms of punishment.
And also because I want you to clean your friggin acts up.
Don’t provide ‘em with ammunition guys. Just don’t.