How to Find the Good Girls

Dear Men,

The good ones are out there. They’re just tired.

Too many of you have concluded that women are a mystery; that it’s impossible to deduce what we want. The good ones seem to be taken, and the alluring ones won’t go for you. It’s frustrating. I understand that. But I’d like to stand up for a population of incredible women and tell you that the right one is out there, she’s just been beaten down by the 20-something dating scene, and she’s searching for something different.

The 20s dating scene gets pretty old.

Unfortunately, college ruined a lot of women. It taught women that being too eager, making the first move, gave men the wrong impression. Smart women don’t want to come off too aggressive and seem easy, so they wait for men to make a move. College also taught women to lower their standards regarding affection. Women learned to jump on whatever shreds of tenacity they could— slurred pick-up lines, Kamikaze shots, or drunken “What’s up?” texts—and interpret them as romantic gestures. But the smart ones came to realize that those gestures don’t really equate to genuine affection. College also taught women not to trust men’s promises about the future. All too often, those promises were simply used to make women think a future really would exist; they’d take down their guard, and be taken advantage of.

Fortunately, although they’ve grown extra wary of the dating scene, the good ones aren’t forever damaged. They’re there for you, if you treat them right. The pretty, quiet girl at the bar may take really well to you if you introduce yourself and buy her a drink—not a shot, a drink—and ask her how her night’s going. If you hit it off, ask for her number, not just her name. Women don’t want a Facebook friend request two days down the road, they want a call or text the next day asking for a one-on-one date. They want a man to ask them about their interests, their background, and their future. They want a man who will give them their space but never fail to ask about their day. They want a man who won’t hold back, someone who will tell them if they like them, tell them if they think they’re beautiful, and won’t wait until they’re drunk on a Saturday night to do so. In short, the good ones are out there looking for dating experiences that do not resemble the ones they experienced in college. The good ones will take some effort to get through to initially, and will require more than group hangouts, drunken text messages and late-night shots. They’ll appreciate vulnerability and they’ll appreciate time. And I promise they’ll be worth it.

The good girls want a conversation, not a $2 shot of Burnett’s.

Luckily, I’m one of the few women who’s surrounded herself with friends (and exes) who seem to have learned these lessons already, but I know that I’m in the minority. There are a whole lot of men that are looking for the right girl, but using the wrong approach, and a whole lot of women that are waiting for them to use the right one…and I hope they all find what they’re looking for. So, men, I urge you: Find a pen and paper right now, make a list of  the moves that you and your buddies used to pull on women in college, and vow to never, ever pull those moves again.

Tags : advice, College, dating, Dating for Men, Friends, Help, Love, Love Life, Manzone, Men, People, Relationships, tips, women