When I think about what a person wants to read about, what is entertaining, slightly taboo and not attainable every day, what takes effort, has a distinct scent and is not an article about relationships about Bruce, I mean Caitlyn Jenner, I can only think of one thing. If we were stripped of our societal normalcies: Tinder, kombucha, and brunch, it would still play a prevalent role in our lives. Birds do it. Bees do it. Fourteen-year-old boys wonder when they’ll do it. Twenty-four year old men do it like jack hammers. Thousands of people each year while die doing it. Sex.
Even though it’s an animalistic instinct, there are some general guidelines that are acceptable for all (unless you’re a dung beetle) species to adhere to:
1. Do have snacks after. Don’t have snacks during. (Things that are not good in bed: curry.)
2. Do be vocal —say what you mean to say. Don’t yodel. This type of vocal acrobatics in the bedroom is less desirable than a toaster strudel directly after wisdom teeth extraction.
3. Do everything with care. Do not do it with a prayer. No one wants to talk about crucifixion when their penis is out. (Yes, even on Easter Sunday.)
4. Do show a graph of and where they rank, do not laugh when they tell you it’s name is Hank. Knowledge is power after all.
5. Do take off his shirt. Do not try to take off his skintight skinny jeans while lying down. It will make you frown and him want to drown.
6. Do World Series Poker Players when the occasion arises. Do not gasp when there is a lack of surprises (in their pants).
7. Do hump a pillow for practice. Do not practice with a cactus.
8. Do cum. Do not cum in the leg crevice of a woman while chewing gum. (Leg crevice = joint in which your thigh and private parts meet.)
9. Do talk dirty; do not tell him he looks purty. Apparently men don’t enjoy being emasculated in the bedroom…
10. Do make out under the stars in the Atlantic Ocean after sneaking up to a forbidden deck a little before dawn. Don’t try to have sex with a thong on. Ever.