As a former bartender, I find great pleasure in listing all the things you can do, as a customer, that really and truly leave us pulling our hair out. Some of you may be aware, some of you may have no idea; so, for future reference and for the sake of every bartender, everywhere, let me explain in more detail.
Ordering one drink at a time:
Now, we are not, nor have we ever claimed to have an impeccable memory that grants us our own page in the ‘Guinness Book of Records’, but, we don’t have the memory of a goldfish either. So when you are ordering a round of 5 or 7 drinks please don’t tell us one item at a time and wait for us to bring you the drink back before proceeding to tell us the next and so on and so forth. All this does is piss us off and drag out the time that we have to serve you. And we don’t want to serve you.
Waving your money in our face and clicking your fingers at us:
We can see you. We are simply choosing not to see you because you are a twat. The only thing this does is irritate us to a point where no one wants to serve you and you will be waiting a lot longer than you would have had you not just simply waited with the other, coherent customers.
Just being altogether difficult:
Now this was a personal bug-bearer of mine and one that used to get to me the most. I have served you a drink with a smile, you have enjoyed your experience, and everything has gone smoothly. I tell you the total amount and put out my hand to take your money and close the transaction. Please do not count out your change and place your coins and notes on the bar next to my open hand (that you see but choose to ignore). I found it so frustrating, and all I will do is the same back to you, but place the money so far up the bar you have to walk and collect it.
The customer is always right:
The mother of all rules when it comes to retail or any customer-based roles…and it’s absolute bullsh*t. I’m right, you’re wrong. What you actually said was you want a vodka and coke, we both know you said it, but your drunk friend has changed her mind and now you are insisting on telling me I misheard you and you asked for a Malibu and coke. Well good luck at getting served so quickly next time, and oh, by the way, I under-poured you by at least 10ml for that.
I don’t want that glass:
You asked for a pint of lager so I serve it to you in the correct and appropriate glass. You don’t like the glass. You ask for another glass, I bite my tongue and begin to pour it into another glass. Halfway through pouring into the other glass you tell me you don’t like that glass either. By this time you are my least favorite person, and it hurts me to look at you. Just drink your drink.
Can I have 12 different cocktails:
No. You can have a pint. One pint. Cocktails are pointless and time consuming, take the pint.
I didn’t want ice:
Ok so, on a less busy night it’s a lot easier, when the music is quieter, to ask you if you would like ice or not. However, when there is a crowd full of people waiting at the bar, the music is deafening, it’s a Saturday night, and above all you are drunk, it’s not always easy to ask the question. When I have made you 7 mixers with ice, input the details into the till, tell you the price and you reply with, “oh, I didn’t want ice” do you know how much that damages my soul? Imagine having to fish out ice cubes – with a spoon– because you ‘don’t like ice’. Just take the ice.