“Nobody likes you when you’re 23”
– Blink 182
#NODISRESPECTTOBLINK182 but, by 23, you’ve (hopefully) found your core group of friends. The friends that have been there for every birthday, every break-up, and every night spent sleeping on the bathroom floor (see also: the pavement and in between your ex’s sheets). The friends, childhood or college, that you know will be there for life and will likely give some sort of embarrassing speech or break a glass at your wedding.
Unless you’re an asshole, chances are there’s at least five people who kind of like you (not counting blood relatives), and maybe even love you (#vom).
“You’re only as strong as the tables you dance on”
– Some drunk bitch
JUST KIDDING, THAT TABLE’S ABOUT TO BREAK. Seriously, tables aren’t always so strong (haven’t you ever been to Ikea?). Don’t test it if you’re in heels. Don’t test it if you’ve been drinking. Don’t test it just because “OH MY GOD IT’S MY SONG.’” Just don’t test it (and do not test the booths).
You will probably get kicked out.
“Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear”
– An idiot
Is this a scientific fact? Until The Big Bang Theory wins an Emmy for proving it true, expect the unexpected any and every time you mix Natty Light with Jose Cuervo.
Insert Pinnacle, expect disaster.
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
– Mark Twain
Call me crazy but does “getting started” really sound like a secret? Couldn’t Twain have given us the real inside scoop like, “The secret of getting ahead is wiping the sweat from your palms before shaking hands?” or, “The secret of getting ahead is not posting that picture to Facebook?”
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Somebody’s never been to the beach (or dealt with this inexplicable comeback the 80’s made via overpriced crop tops and high-waisted shorts).
Disclaimer: #PREACH, GIRL. EVERYBODY LIVE BY THIS ANYWAY.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
– C.S. Lewis
Sure, sometimes. Sometimes it’s born that moment one kindergartner spills grape juice on the other’s white sundress, or that moment one person threatens to bite the stranger in front of them on line for an 18 and up discotheque called Tropicana.
Not all friends start out with something in common (See: Lorde + Taylor Swift = ?).
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
– Bernard M. Baruch
Again, while I encourage Baruch to #PREACH, this mantra should come with a disclaimer.
Warning: Being who you are and saying what you feel 100 percent of the time may very well get you fired and/or killed. Do not tell your boss to choke on his or her salad. Do not tell your significant other they are looking “big these days.” Do not text your good friend a picture of your dick because it’s 2 a.m. and you think she’s “feelin’ it.” These people might matter, and these people might mind.
“I woke up like dis.”
No you didn’t. I see that added contrast/crop top/eyeliner/Valencia filter.
To all you ladies really #wakinguplikedis, ROCK ON. To all the impostors, take your Lo-Fi someplace else.