That’s What Louis CK Said

I have fallen for a 46-year-old redhead.  He’s brilliant.  He’s weird.  He’s Louis CK.

Louis Szekely, famously known as Louis CK, is my favorite comedian to date.  The multi-talented actor, writer, director, and stand-up comedian has the ability to say the most unfathomably crude joke while simultaneously proving a point.   From utterly hilarious to downright depressing, he just goes there.  You know, “there.”  Often compared to Woody Allen, Louis makes you laugh, but moreover he makes you think.

Perhaps that is why he is worth 12 million dollars today.  You go, Glen Coco.

In honor of the pudgy man who made me consider that “maybe if touching a nut kills you, you’re supposed to die,” I have compiled 30 quotes that came straight from the strange and twisted brain inside his ginger-bearded face.

 “I’m bored” is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say “I’m bored.”

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, “You hips. You hips need to get it together.” 

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.

Farts are—I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.

It’s really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That’s fucking stupid. Don’t do that.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you’re all gonna die and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than you’re alive. Like that’s mostly what you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people that didn’t die yet. 

You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.

I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them. It’s just, I enjoy it. It’s recreation.

The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

There are people out there who there’s just nobody for them. People like to say things like, ‘There’s someone for everyone.’  NOPE!  Not at all true!  And stop saying it ‘cause it’s mean to people who never find anybody.  There are millions of people out there who we’ve all unanimously decided they are light-speed ugly and nobody kisses them on the lips ever! Nobody touches their genitals their entire life, they just wash it and then they die, that’s all that happens.  Aw, and if you’re feeling bad for them, you can go find one and fuck one tomorrow, you can just solve the problem right there, with all that kindness in your heart.  Nah, I didn’t think so.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the fuck up. First of all, if you’re single, your life has no consequence on the earth. Even if you’re helping people aggressively, which you’re fucking not, nobody gives a shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Your mother will cry or whatever, but otherwise, nobody gives a shit.

If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

People say ‘my phone sucks.’  No it doesn’t!  The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle.  Your life sucks.   Around the phone.

It’s like when you’re talking to a girl at a bar because you’re attracted to her, the first thing you say is always gonna be dog shit. The most honest thing you could say to her is ‘I wanna fuck your face.’ That’s the most honest thing you could say.

As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich.

You’re not a real woman until people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams.

Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We’ve all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I’ve actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That’s a big priority for you?

If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.

The only time you look into your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough.  You don’t look into your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have as much as them.

It’s in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord’s name in vain. Rape is not up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don’t say the dude’s name with a shitty attitude.

Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

I love being white. Seriously, I really do. If you’re not white, your missing out. ‘Cuz this shit is thoroughly good. Let me clear this up by the way: I’m not saying white people are better. I’m saying that BEING white is clearly better. Who could even argue? If it was an option I would re-up every year! ‘Oh yeah, I’ll take white again. Absolutely.’ Here’s how great it is to be white: if I would have a time machine I could go to any time and it would be awesome when I get there! That is exclusively a white privilege! Black people can’t fuck with time machines! 

I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn’t resting and it isn’t doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks.

I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don’t let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

Six o’clock in the morning… I have blown off entire careers because of one day I didn’t want to get out of bed.  Like, I’ll just not be that then.

I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians but we just don’t give a shit. We never correct it. We came here. They’re like, “Hi.” And we’re like, “Hey, you’re Indians, right?” And they’re like, “No.” “No, this is India, right?” “No, it’s not. It’s a totally other place.” “You’re not Indians?” “No.” “Ahh, you’re Indians.” “You’re Indians for hundreds of years after.”

I finally have the body I want.  It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

Tags : buzzworthy, depressing, Funny, FX, HBO, Hilarious, louis ck, louisck, quotes, realtalk, standup, The Scene, wise