“Hey, alright! I finally feel like a man!”
“But, oh my god, you look sooo dirty!”
Regardless of your personal feelings on the situation, facial hair is here to stay – at least for a couple months until perms claw their way back to the top. It’s gonna happen. The facial hair transplant business is a-boomin’, too. Yeah, you read that right. In case you have not heard, follicly-impaired men across the country are now shelling out anywhere from $5,000 to $15,000 to graft from their scalps to their faces what Mama Nature did not see fit to gift them in the first place. One Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, a prominent New York City plastic surgeon, has reported a spike from just a few of these procedures a year in the early 2000s to an average of three a week over the past couple years. Whatever the source of your scruff, we have all undoubtedly witnessed a plethora of horrible liberties taken with those sprouts. Here is a handful of ways to ruin your blanket and ensure you look like a right and proper douche:
The Neard (a.k.a. ‘The Neck Beard’)
Go for it if you want to end up looking just like Jonah Hill, ’cause what a total not-asshole he turned out to be.
Betcha can’t guess where 100% of Ed Hardy’s annual revenue comes from…
The Male Model Beard
This abomination to bearding makes me want to vomit, and it is blasphemy to even refer to it as a beard. Might as well chop your own balls off if you don’t see the folly in spending as much time time plucking the thing as you do your eyebrows – which is hardly better. That is, assuming you were even born with a pair to begin with…
The Cum Catcher
“No deal, Howie.”
The Landing Strip
“Hey now, you’re a douchebag!”
Nothing says “I like to watch young boys shower” quite like this classic gem of barely-there peach fuzz. Just give up, Sidney Crosby. It’ll never happen. Slither on back to your white windowless Econoline and burn that shit off.
The Little Richard
This close relative of the Molestache gives off the same child-groping vibe.
The Scott Ian
Like two turds dipped in radioactive sludge. THAT’S SO METAL.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for establishing religious/cultural identity – if you actually belong to the Amish. Even then, this one’s a bit iffy. A beard without a ‘stache ain’t much of a beard at all.
A lil’ bit’s alright. Down to your jaw? Wolverine can rock ’em just fine, but otherwise they spill the beans on your Miller Lite/WWE addiction and aspirations to do ’80s porn.
Unhappy with your baby-bottom-smooth face? I suggest putting that testosterone to work and growing a beard – a full-blown shrub – or at the very least a nice womb broom. Either one is a thousand times better than any of these winners that will do a shitty job of convincing the world that you aren’t a complete toolbag.