Posted On April 19, 2014 By In Fashion For Men, Lifestyle, Manzone

The Most Awesomely Horrific Things You Can Grow On Your Face


“Hey, alright! I finally feel like a man!”

“But, oh my god, you look sooo dirty!”

Regardless of your personal feelings on the situation, facial hair is here to stay – at least for a couple months until perms claw their way back to the top. It’s gonna happen. The facial hair transplant business is a-boomin’, too. Yeah, you read that right. In case you have not heard, follicly-impaired men across the country are now shelling out anywhere from $5,000 to $15,000 to graft from their scalps to their faces what Mama Nature did not see fit to gift them in the first place. One Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, a prominent New York City plastic surgeon, has reported a spike from just a few of these procedures a year in the early 2000s to an average of three a week over the past couple years. Whatever the source of your scruff, we have all undoubtedly witnessed a plethora of horrible liberties taken with those sprouts. Here is a handful of ways to ruin your blanket and ensure you look like a right and proper douche:

The Neard (a.k.a. ‘The Neck Beard’)


Go for it if you want to end up looking just like Jonah Hill, ’cause what a total not-asshole he turned out to be.

The Chinstrap


Betcha can’t guess where 100% of Ed Hardy’s annual revenue comes from…

The Male Model Beard


This abomination to bearding makes me want to vomit, and it is blasphemy to even refer to it as a beard. Might as well chop your own balls off if you don’t see the folly in spending as much time time plucking the thing as you do your eyebrows – which is hardly better. That is, assuming you were even born with a pair to begin with…

The Cum Catcher


“No deal, Howie.”

The Landing Strip


“Hey now, you’re a douchebag!”

The Molestache


Nothing says “I like to watch young boys shower” quite like this classic gem of barely-there peach fuzz. Just give up, Sidney Crosby. It’ll never happen. Slither on back to your white windowless Econoline and burn that shit off.

The Little Richard


This close relative of the Molestache gives off the same child-groping vibe.

 The Scott Ian


Like two turds dipped in radioactive sludge. THAT’S SO METAL.

The Amish


Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for establishing religious/cultural identity – if you actually belong to the Amish. Even then, this one’s a bit iffy. A beard without a ‘stache ain’t much of a beard at all.



A lil’ bit’s alright. Down to your jaw? Wolverine can rock ’em just fine, but otherwise they spill the beans on your Miller Lite/WWE addiction and aspirations to do ’80s porn.

Unhappy with your baby-bottom-smooth face? I suggest putting that testosterone to work and growing a beard – a full-blown shrub – or at the very least a nice womb broom. Either one is a thousand times better than any of these winners that will do a shitty job of convincing the world that you aren’t a complete toolbag.

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Mike Burleson gets stupid ideas. These ideas then undergo a hellacious, bootcamp-style initiation, in which the cream of the crop that will make him look the most dumb are sifted out and given a rose. These ideas are uploaded to the Writtalin website for you to make fun of. A narcoleptic some of the time, he enjoys napping around the globe, self-confidence, and geriatric culture. Hailing from the Great Plains outside St. Louis, MO, Mike currently takes up lodging in Denver, and is pinching pennies to one day open a prairie dog farm. Other pastimes that help him to make sense of life include hiking, Seinfeld, watching dogs poop, poop humor, Dick Valentine. Put a little mustard on that mustard!