#5: Cialis – Making You so Sexy You and Your S/O Sit in Separate Bathtubs
I never understood the logic here: if Cialis is supposed to give you rock-hard, incredible erections that will satisfy your partner beyond her wildest dreams, then why the hell is the closing scene in Cialis advertisements a man and a woman sitting in separate bathtubs? The only theory I can come up with is that Cialis leads to premature ejaculation and gives you a whole different list of sexual problems. Bummer.
#4: Buick has been Making Terrible Vehicles Until 2014
This year’s Buick commercials are…um…interesting to say the least. Buick clearly wanted to showcase how sleek and sexy and awesome their new lineup of cars are, but they did so at the expense of their entire brand. Watching this year’s Buick ads leads to the inevitable conclusion that before 2014, Buick cars were ugly, shitty pieces of trash. At least they’re changing for the better (allegedly)?
#3: Progressive Beats You Over the Head with the Most Annoying Woman Ever
Maybe I’m alone here, but didn’t everyone get sick to death of “Flo” about five years ago? Jesus, that bitch is obnoxious. I will never get Progressive insurance in my life, lest I be tangentially associated with Florence Whateverthefuckhernameis.
#2: Coors Light is Colder at 32 Degrees than Other Beers at 32 Degrees
Okay, let’s set aside the fact that Coors Light tastes like hop-flavored piss for a second and focus just on their incredibly stupid advertising campaign. As far as you can tell in every Coors Light commercial, the only thing that makes this shit-tier beer special is that it’s colder than any other beer. So, I tested this theory. I left two beers, one Coors Light and one non-Coors light, in the fridge for exactly one hour. The result? Two equally cold brewskis. Except that one still tasted like piss. YOU LIE, COORS LIGHT.
#1: Chevy Trucks Give You the Most Boring, Mediocre, Blue-Collar Life EVER
I hate everything about this advertisement. I can’t stand country music. I live in a blue state. I drive a Honda Accord and I would never drive a pickup. But all that aside, what makes this ad so terrible and offensive (other than the fact that it’s veritable redneck porn) is the theme of the godawful song. I mean He’s a 20 years straight get to work on time / He’s a love one woman for all his life … Jesus, that sounds like the most horrendously boring life in the history of lives. You NEVER ONCE had a crazy night of partying and showed up late to work? You saw ONE VAGINA your entire life? Seriously, bro, it might be best to off yourself, cause you’re barely livin’ anyway. If that kinda life is what a Chevy gets you, sign me up for the field.