Getting dumped is something I have become well acquainted with during the past couple of years. I like to blame it on my stint teaching English in Thailand, where an ex-pat lifestyle boasted an environment unsuitable for fostering skills to sustain a relationship and which resulted in a lot of strangers tongues in my mouth on island parties. When I returned to the U.S. I went out with a lot of men that I was incompatible with, who I catered to, and who were only interesting after a whiskey sour or five. I didn’t know what I wanted, I thought most men were attractive and I got rejected a lot.
I’ve gotten dumped through text message, through the well-known fade out, after love confessions and de-virginizatons and my favorite, being dumped on my own door step. Desensitization develops after a couple of these incidences, but a few months ago a relationship ended with a man I thought and knew I was going to be with forever. That was different, that involved lying in the floor in a matching sweat suit, crying, wishing I was a llama instead, sort of heart break. I was the girl that cried in the work bathroom every day for a month until one day, mysterious, grab-a-tab, print-outs with phone numbers were posted on the bathroom stalls that read: “Depressed? Anxious? Therapy can help.” So I got you, I know how to survive, and even thrive during this shit.
1. Stop fucking talking to him.
I don’t care if you share a dog, a hamster, or eggs you bought at the farmer’s market, if you’re going to stay friends or he still has your favorite underwear with the dinosaurs on them…STOP IT. Right this second.
Yes, you may have forgotten what your face looks like without snot and tears flushing your pores, but you’re a babe. Change out of your matching (or un-matching) sweatsuit. Do something lovely for yourself. Get a new hair cut, buy $30 lipstick, shave your legs for the first time in seven months. Whatever it is, that makes you feel like a total fox, do it now.
3. Get Physical
Sure exercising is great, but physical touch is what I am referring to. Newborn babies die without physical touch from humans, after all. I am not advocating using an innocent, creature of man for his making-out capabilities only, of course. But there is something fun about finding another person attractive and exchanging germs, via spit. You know? Just don’t go so far that you’re buying the morning after pill on Easter Sunday at 9:04am.
4. Spare Your Friends
If you can afford therapy and you can’t stop telling your friends about how your ex-boyfriend’s penis was the exact size of the first zucchini from your garden together, it’s time to make an appointment. There is something amazing about paying someone to listen to you talk about anything you want, without bias or judgement. It is the massage equivalent for your mind.
5. Do that thing!
You know that thing. That thing that inspired numerous fights between you and him, that you couldn’t mention without him losing a boner or throwing a fit. That thing that you couldn’t do because you had to consider others feelings. For me it was letting a man tickle my feet for a $100. I am not one to judge.
6. Good Vibes
I highly recommend having a bloody mary or three on a Sunday afternoon and hitting the nearest Good Vibrations with your best friend. You have nothing to lose and multiple orgasms to gain. Just don’t forget to buy batteries.
7. Plan A Trip
Alone, with friends, a trip to a new city or country and maybe to a different neighborhood to purchase your Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. Go somewhere new!
With your friends, family, with yourself, even if this means watching all four seasons of The OC on a Saturday night.
9. Sleep in the Middle of Your Fucking Bed
There is no one there nestled between your nine pillows, snoring, kicking, farting, or slobbering besides you – and it is awesome.
10. Figure Out What You Want
You get to decide what you want and stand for. Maybe you just want to be sexually liberating, maybe you’ve decided to become Mormon, or maybe you are tired of people nudging you in the back with their morning boners before you even know their middle name. You get to decide! Make a list. Ice cream can be on it. That’s fine.