First dates cause my nerves to spin into a panic. They saunter between fear and regret the moment I have left my home and begin wishing I were back in my sweat pants, back in my bed, watching some show about sex and a city that was created when I was graduating from 6th grade. My future husband could be the pizza guy, right? I had left work earlier than usual to allow myself time to shower and eat something, lest I enter the date hangry and ready to stab him with a butter knife over the last bread crumbs in the basket. I arrived on date location three minutes early and ducked into a boutique travel store so that I could consider things in their mirrors next to $69 backpacks. Things like: nostril boogers, the visibility of the knee-hole in my tights, and my bang placement over my forehead pimple.
“Can I help you find anything, miss?” The tie and suit sales associate asked me with his hands behind his back. I told him I was just looking and he told me they were closing in two minutes, which really meant get the hell out of here, or else. I walked next door to the wine bar where this date would occur. Upon further consideration of this date that included wine and olives, I may have done and said some things I shouldn’t have. Five things you shouldn’t do on a first date:
1. Announce that you almost threw up on your way to meet him.
Whether or not it is your need to tell everyone everything that caused this word vomit about your potential vomit, inspired by nerves, to escape your mouth, this is a matter you should keep to yourself.
2. Sit in the big chair.
If you sit in the big chair you will be seated significantly higher than your date and you will peer down upon him and feel like the queen of olives and oddness for an hour and a half. Especially when you pressure him into a thumb war with you over the last olive.
3. Admit to Facebook stalking him.
Never admit to Facebook stalking anyone! If you do this he may divulge his own Googling of your name. He may have found your embarrassing past blog of two years past, which details every atrocious account you have ever had, including the time you dutch oven-ed your ex-boyfriend when he tried to give you a foot massage. And then that will be all you can think about for the rest of the date.
4. That the last person you dated seriously was a twenty-six year old virgin.
If you accidentally mention this you may find out that the last woman he dated was twenty-eight year old virgin. Do not propose forming a “Virginity Stealers” club.
5. Offer to walk him to the end of the block and give him a goodbye that even your Lyft driver deems “horrifyingly awkward.”
You don’t need to worry about chivalry or walking a man anywhere. If you do this you will most likely sneakily call a Lyft, because the idea of loitering on the sidewalk between a good-bye and a possible kiss frightens you from your seven grey hairs to the casual knee-hole in your tights. When your Lyft arrives, don’t reach out your arms like a T-Rex, bent at your waist and hug him around his middle.