Valentine’s Day has just passed and let’s be honest – if you are single and weren’t thinking about dating after seeing 98.4% of your Instagram and Facebook feed featuring candles, flowers, kisses, bubble baths, and other niceties that make you want to simultaneously vomit and gouge your eyes out while chugging boxed wine, you probably are now. Dating in your twenties can be complicated terrain to maneuver, as many of your friends are in serious relationships left over from college and others are on a weekly humping rotation with multiple OkCupid creatures. At a time when some people are dating for social relevance, those in the search for serious relationships can be privy to red flags easily ignored in the quest of someone to watch House of Cards with us on Saturday nights. Here are some warning signs to watch out for.
1. He is a twenty-six year old virgin and it is not for religious reasons.
This is a person who is literally scared to put his penis inside of a vagina. If he’s scared to put his penis in a place of pleasure, you can bet your solo bubble bath that he is going to be scared to call you his girlfriend and withdraw from anything else involving commitment. The man can’t even commit to an orgasm. You can claim contentment with the abstinence because you love him, but your friends and your feminine wiles are not convinced.
2. He has no friends.
We all have met this man. He just moved to a new city and he knows a couple of people, and like, his roommate, which really means he knows no one. You instantly become his combination best friend and girlfriend out of convenience. No lady can be everything and then some for a person. It is quite the dependent position to serve as his only source of entertainment and it is only a matter of time before he resents you for wearing bras and wanting to watch The Bachelor when he needs to play video games with ogres who light their farts on fire.
3. He has a surplus of hemorrhoid medicated wipes on his bathroom counter.
This seems innocent, if not weird, but let’s assess this situation further. He purchased a plus-sized box of these anal alleviations, where as one may have (hopefully) sufficed. He left them to form a pyramid in his bathroom instead of tucking them away purposely in a drawer, making you think about the status of his ass an awful lot while you were washing your hands before dinner. This man is gross and it’s only going to get grosser.
4. He doesn’t like the city you live in.
Chances are unless you are unmotivated, scared, or living at your parents’ home for costless food, laundry and rent purposes, you love the city you live in. And you should! He’s probably going to leave you and the city you both live in when he gets tired of watching The Bachelor, virginity still intact.
5. He tells you that he really loves it when you push in your chair and call his mother, but when you talk about vaginas at the dinner table it makes him feel weird.
You are the girl who pushes in her chair and talks about vaginas, and sometimes you push in chair while you talk about vaginas. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a “Build Your Own Sundae” adaptation of the world, where we get to pick and choose which attributes of people we want and don’t want. No one should ever settle for a person who can’t love and accept all of them, not just the Catholic Church approved version. You’re going to have an atrocious time suppressing genitalia conversations trying to please this person.
Tags : Adulting, Bachelor, Catholic Church, College, dating, Dating for Women, Facebook, Girlzone, Graduate, Growing Up, Instagram, life, Men, New York City, OkCupid, Post-College, Relationships, Sex, Vagina, Valentine's Day