Miscellaneous Tag

We walked against the nighttime wind with our heads held high and our heels a little higher. We were slowly making our way into the comfort of a house where we’d be provided with intoxicating substances and communal sweat. Homework was done, classes over for the week, petty stresses behind us, and a night out before us. Suddenly, a group of boisterous, clearly wasted guys showed up next to us. One of them caught my eye and asked, “How are you doing tonight?” “I’m doing well, thanks,” I mumbled, notRead More

In honor of father’s day this past weekend, I spent some time reflecting on the invaluable lessons you have taught me in a quarter century.  You have owned some version of a beard or a mustache for nearly my whole life, which admittedly and Freudian-ly may be why I am only attracted to men with some sort of facial fur.  You posses the innate ability to tell a joke with such sincerity that you gain instant belief from your victims.  You have never been known to turn down a drink with the onesRead More

I work at a job that requires some customer service, most of which is done over the phone. Being a 22-year-old, I already have a strong aversion to the phone. Why would I want to actually talk to another human when I could just go on my computer and not have to interact with anyone? #ShitIDontUnderstand So yeah I don’t love answering the phone from the get-go, mostly because it makes me extremely anxious. What can I say, my mom always told me not to talk to strangers. But someRead More

I asked for the moon and you came back with the galaxy. When one boy said he didn’t love me anymore, you said you would never stop. You taught me that donuts are the only way to start a Saturday morning (or any morning) and that cigars can be smoked in times of celebration or sorrow. And when Mommy parted this world too soon, you stepped in to take over as Mr. Mom. I view the world with hope in my eyes and faith in my heart because of you,Read More

  Record 5: Venice, California, Sunday July 5th, 2009. Day. So like Reed and I got to the Whaler a few hours (yeah, fucking hours) before his mom even called us. She texted me earlier, which seems weird, but she always texts me when Reed doesn’t answer his phone or leaves it on silent. Her text said: TELL MY SON TO TEXT ME K? So I told Reed to text her a few hours later when he woke up. It was around 1:35 in the afternoon. I remember because IRead More

Some people go through life blissfully ignorant of all the horrible, disgusting germs that are literally everywhere. Other people carry the burden of constant fear, paranoia, and revulsion from living in a world contaminated by germs. These people are called Germaphobes. Germaphobes are faced with many challenges on a daily basis, as their phobia robs them of the joys that non-Germaphobes get to experience, such as…   Ball pits Ah, Ball pits. Ball pits are a childhood staple of seemingly innocent fun. Wrong! Ball pits are full of heinous germsRead More

I’ve always been the person who thinks that if pictures of your drinks for the night, memorable club snaps, and smoking photos make you happy, go ahead and post them. But I’m not a smoker or a drinker, or even a promiscuous model, so when I was messaged this weekend to take down my picture from Instagram, I was extremely confused. My picture was of a messenger bag. With the HypoPARA Association logo on it. The HypoPARA Assoc. is an association that holds annual conferences and distributes countless amounts ofRead More

Allyson came to visit Kelsey in good old SL,UT for a weekend of sisterly bonding and brawling,  this time sans bearded boyfriends that drive like 80 year old ladies.  What follows is a collaborative account between sisters.   We arrived in Salt Lake at the Howard Johnson Express Inn with low expectations. This was fortunate because our hotel looked like an abandoned building with resident roaches and rodents. The HJ was rough and good-enough, but nothing more if we were to be honest with ourselves. Our first room was streetRead More

It began in first grade when the discovery of a substitute teacher greeting the class in the morning distressed me so much that I begged my mother, through snot and salinized skin, to take me home from school. My threshold for the substitute teacher’s performance being less than perfect in mirroring my own teacher’s routine absolutely shattered me. I was sort of a high-strung child, you might declare. Thankfully, years later, there is nothing that warrants this exact reaction from me, except, perhaps, intense moments of hunger. Childhood anxiety isRead More

2014 is the year to start thinking outside the box for your summer vacation. Consider some of these intriguing fictional destinations for a most memorable trip.   The Shire With beautiful scenery and legendary charm, the Shire is the perfect destination for those who enjoy a Bed and Breakfast type vibe. Or, I should say Bed and Second Breakfast. You can kick back with a pint and a pipe. Everyone is very friendly and knows how to party. Though, you may find accommodations a little, um, cramped.   King’s LandingRead More

Early today I greedily left my local library with a stack of 6 books feeling like I just won the lottery. Why? Because I took 6 books, FOR FREE. I know everyone is stoked on the Amazon Prime train with free 2-day shipping but come on, those books are pricey. Too pricey, in fact, for my young adult bank account to keep up with my reading obsession. Let me outline some important points that I’m sure will convince you to run to your local library and get a card rightRead More

My first semester of college, I worked at a chain coffee and bagel café. I have always affirmed that every person needs to work in food service at least once in their lifetime. It is difficult to express how exceptionally vital it is that people understand the toil behind where their services come from, and the crucial nature of treating workers with respect. I have also always held the belief that every person needs to work at least one “crappy job” in their life to fully understand the value ofRead More

A Self-Help Essay By Dotty Getting robbed is a scary thing and your first reaction is to comply with everything your assailant is demanding. I believe all of us who have been a victim of robbery in a foreign country can relate. In the moments afterward you feel helpless, victimized, and are discouraged by thoughts of having to continue. I vowed from that day forward, if I was ever robbed again, I would be in-control of the situation. Therefore, after months of research, I came up with a method thatRead More

The 2014 World Cup will kick off in Brazil within the next few weeks, and if futbol isn’t really your thing, perhaps I can interest you in eye candy galore. Beware – this may be the most unattractive team the U.S.A. has ever brought to the World Cup, but there is no need to fear, 31 other countries will be bringing the heat as well.   1. Tim Howard I’m in love with Tim Howard. Yes, he plays keeper and is therefore an automatic leader on the team – super cool.Read More

  Record 4: Pasadena, Thursday, July 5th, 2014. Day. I’m at the Pie ‘n Burger again. I’m drinking coffee at the bar. I’m thinking about Shia LaBeouf. I’m thinking about how I really used to love Even Stevens when I was a kid. I was a kid before I was an unemployed 27-year-old vagabond-dude who still wears jeans that aren’t too-tight. Then I wonder what it’d be like to wear a brown paper bag on my head with a cool statement penned in Sharpie. I could be like new-Shia, circaRead More